A brutally honest midlife recovery story about addiction, friendship, trauma, and healing—with humor, heart, and hope.
In this raw and unfiltered conversation, two longtime friends candidly unpack their personal histories of addiction, trauma, shame, and transformation. Framed by a shared history of binge drinking, toxic relationships, and the search for belonging, the dialogue reveals how healing begins with honesty. Both women reflect on their 20s as a chaotic era marked by external confidence but deep internal despair, where alcohol and drugs were used to mask feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and unresolved childhood wounds.
The core of their transformation is rooted in sobriety, therapy, and friendship. They each walked a difficult road from dysfunction to a sense of purpose, showing how recovery isn’t linear but is deeply personal. Their shared experiences—divorce, religion, loss, and identity crises—highlight the need for emotional safety, community, and tools for coping with life’s overwhelming moments. Their success isn’t defined by perfection but by self-awareness and the willingness to show up as they are.
What makes their conversation uniquely powerful is the normalization of imperfection. Rather than preaching recovery or self-help clichés, they ground their message in lived experience. They validate the struggles of midlife women who juggle motherhood, career, grief, and unresolved trauma, all while silently battling imposter syndrome. This reframing is essential for breaking generational cycles of silence and shame.
Ultimately, their journey invites others to reconsider the narrative of failure. By embracing vulnerability, telling the truth, and finding laughter even in pain, they illuminate a path that’s relatable, healing, and unapologetically real. This conversation is a call to reclaim joy—not as something perfect, but as something deeply possible, even after years of regret.
Meet the Expert
Emily Baggen and Heather Cairns are lived-experience experts in resilience, recovery, and redefining midlife. Emily, a manager in the dental health industry, and Heather, a longtime salon owner and stylist, are mothers, wives, and women in recovery—bringing a powerful combination of humor, raw honesty, and trauma-informed reflection to every conversation. Their insight comes not from credentials but from credibility born of survival, growth, and a commitment to helping other women feel seen.
The Big Idea
You can survive your worst moments and still thrive.
This episode explores the idea that hitting rock bottom—through addiction, trauma, or shame—doesn’t have to be the end of the story. Instead, it can be the beginning of self-awareness, self-forgiveness, and personal power. Their message is clear: You don’t need to be “fixed,” you need to be real. In an era where midlife women often feel invisible or inadequate, this conversation offers a fierce rebuttal—own your past, rewrite your narrative, and stay pissy but pretty.
Key Takeaways
- Sobriety isn’t the end of fun—it’s the beginning of real freedom. You don’t lose your personality when you stop drinking. You find it.
- Your past doesn’t define you. Regret is real, but it can also be a tool for evolution when you choose healing.
- You’re not alone in your shame. So many women silently carry trauma, addiction, and grief. Speaking it out loud is a step toward liberation.
- Imperfection is power. Midlife isn’t about arriving—it’s about unlearning, rebalancing, and daring to try again.
- Support systems are vital. A ride-or-die friend who understands your pain and your healing is one of the greatest assets on the road to recovery.
Tools, Strategies, or Frameworks Mentioned
- Talk therapy & EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Both women credit years of therapy as foundational to their healing.
- Addiction Counseling: Ongoing support from trained professionals played a crucial role in sustaining sobriety.
- Self-awareness through storytelling: Using podcasting as a medium for reflection, healing, and connection.
- AI-Optimized Self-Talk: Reframing narratives around addiction and motherhood with empathy and intentional language (a core principle in mental health-informed SEO).
Final Thoughts
“No risk, no story.” That’s the mantra these two women live by. They’ve taken risks—messy, painful, honest ones. And now, they’re turning their mess into their message. Whether you’re in the thick of it or just beginning to unpack what the hell happened in your 20s, know this: your story isn’t over. And you don’t have to be perfect to be powerful.
Full Transcript
Speaker A 00:00:00.160 - 00:00:04.640 We felt invincible, we felt hilarious. We felt beautiful, we felt powerful. Speaker B 00:00:04.960 - 00:00:06.880 We felt on the life of the party. Speaker A 00:00:08.400 - 00:00:25.920 Right. The exact opposite of what was actually going on in our heart and souls. We were not on it. We didn't feel beautiful, we didn't feel enough. We didn't feel good. We drank to forget everything that was inside of us. For sure. Speaker B 00:00:25.920 - 00:00:52.220 Exactly. Hello. Hello and welcome to Pissy But Pretty, a show about hindsight, hope, tangents and cuss words. We are your hosts. Party tricks turned. Semi responsible women. I am your host, Heather Cairns and Emily Baggen. Hello. Speaker A 00:00:52.700 - 00:00:53.180 Hi. Speaker B 00:00:53.180 - 00:00:53.660 Hi. Speaker A 00:00:53.740 - 00:00:54.220 Hi. Speaker B 00:00:54.380 - 00:00:59.650 Welcome to the first episode of Pissy but Pretty. Speaker A 00:01:01.410 - 00:01:03.330 Nope, it still sounds dumb. Speaker B 00:01:03.410 - 00:01:04.690 We can never make that sound again. Speaker A 00:01:04.690 - 00:01:06.650 I tried in my shower this morning and it was epic. Speaker B 00:01:06.650 - 00:01:09.210 But no, always best in the shower. Speaker A 00:01:09.210 - 00:01:10.450 I know I sound really good there. Speaker B 00:01:10.610 - 00:01:12.210 That's when I sound like Whitney Houston. Speaker A 00:01:12.370 - 00:01:12.810 Yeah. Speaker B 00:01:12.810 - 00:01:13.730 Yeah. Okay. Speaker A 00:01:13.730 - 00:01:14.370 On track. Speaker B 00:01:14.850 - 00:01:26.290 So back on track, we are going to tell you a little bit about us, why we started the podcast in this very first episode, Season one, Episode. Speaker A 00:01:26.290 - 00:01:28.260 One of Pissy but Pretty. Speaker B 00:01:28.260 - 00:01:28.780 Yeah. Speaker A 00:01:28.780 - 00:01:29.340 Okay. Speaker B 00:01:29.420 - 00:01:32.540 All right, let's do this. You want to start us out? Speaker A 00:01:32.780 - 00:01:33.180 Sure. Speaker B 00:01:33.260 - 00:01:33.780 All right. Speaker A 00:01:33.780 - 00:01:49.340 I think our goal. No. Am I introducing myself? I should introduce myself. I'm Emily Baggin, 45. I have two kids, 14 and 4. I have a husband, he's younger than me. Speaker B 00:01:49.580 - 00:01:51.260 Mm, cougar. Speaker A 00:01:52.540 - 00:01:59.960 I'm a manager in an orthodontist's office in the area. Yeah, it's kind of boring now. Speaker B 00:02:00.360 - 00:02:01.240 Where do you live? Speaker A 00:02:01.400 - 00:02:03.400 I live in the Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. Speaker B 00:02:03.640 - 00:02:06.840 In the Oconomowoc. Look it up. It's hard to spell. Speaker A 00:02:07.000 - 00:02:08.800 Oh, see? No, I'm not going to do it. Speaker B 00:02:08.800 - 00:02:09.520 No, don't do it. Speaker A 00:02:09.520 - 00:02:10.680 I'm not going to spell it. Okay, thanks. Speaker B 00:02:12.600 - 00:02:43.660 Well, I. I'm Heather Cairns. I'm 46 years old. I am the mother of 14 year old son. You also have a 14 year old son. They're in the same grade in the same school. It's super cute. I also am a bonus mom. I've got two stepdaughters that are 30 and 31. They have not yet given me grandbabies. And I am ready. I want babies. I'll steal them if I have to. Speaker A 00:02:43.660 - 00:02:45.100 I'm gonna call you Grandma Wrinkles. Speaker B 00:02:45.740 - 00:02:48.060 You can call me Glamour Wrinkles. Thank you. Speaker A 00:02:48.060 - 00:02:48.620 Okay. Speaker B 00:02:48.830 - 00:02:56.030 Okay. And yeah. I was born and raised in our little small town we live in. In the Oconewok, Wisconsin. Speaker A 00:02:56.030 - 00:03:00.230 Yeah, Yeah, I moved in. You stayed here your whole life? So far. Speaker B 00:03:00.230 - 00:03:05.470 I always thought I was gonna be a big City girl. I would tell my parents, I am getting the heck out of here. Speaker A 00:03:05.550 - 00:03:06.110 Oh, no. Speaker B 00:03:06.110 - 00:03:14.750 I am made to be Carrie Bradshaw. I know. I've never even seen a single episode of Sex and the City, but I thought that was gonna be me. I don't know why. Speaker A 00:03:14.750 - 00:03:15.150 What? Speaker B 00:03:15.230 - 00:03:19.870 I know. Even though people say that I'm more of the. What's the other girl's name? Speaker A 00:03:19.950 - 00:03:24.170 Samantha Jones. She the hoe. Everyone said that. Speaker B 00:03:24.250 - 00:03:30.410 That explains it. Yeah, that explains it. Yeah. I didn't get out. Speaker A 00:03:30.490 - 00:03:31.490 You didn't get out. Which is. Speaker B 00:03:31.490 - 00:03:37.650 I mean, I did. I did a stint in college in lacrosse. I mean, didn't last real long, but. Speaker A 00:03:37.650 - 00:03:41.050 You stuck your tongue in it to see how it tasted. And then it just didn't fit. Speaker B 00:03:41.130 - 00:03:41.730 Didn't fit. Speaker A 00:03:41.730 - 00:03:42.250 You had to go. Speaker B 00:03:42.250 - 00:04:09.410 You had to go. I love the partying. But, yeah, now Oconomowoc is stuck with me. And I have been a hairdresser for 25 years, and I own the Hairdistrict Salon and Spa. Check us out in Oconomwoc. Of course. Yeah. And, yeah, let's tell the people why we started this thing, why we're here. Yeah. Speaker A 00:04:09.570 - 00:04:32.730 We have been friends forever and ever and ever. But I think ultimately, women our age are, I think, kind of universally hate other girls. Wherever you go, places, everyone's like, you know what? I don't like other girls. I don't have a lot of girlfriends. So we just happen to, dare I say, be blessed, to have. Speaker B 00:04:32.730 - 00:04:33.530 Blessed with the best. Speaker A 00:04:34.010 - 00:05:15.170 Thank you. Okay, so we met 20 years ago, kind of went through our own hell, so. And then kind of reconnected. I don't even know. What would you say, like, five, six years ago? And now we've got this amazing friendship. We've got this amazing message of hope and success and going from addiction and awful childhoods, or my childhood was awful. You've got this huge family and that dynamic, being the oldest of five and everything that we went through to try to find our place over and over and over and over again. We looked for it over here. We looked for it over there. Speaker B 00:05:15.810 - 00:05:24.210 Anyone that would take us in, we were like, oh, well, we took them in our vaginas. Oh, and that. And there's that. Speaker A 00:05:24.370 - 00:05:25.650 So there was a journey there. Speaker B 00:05:25.810 - 00:05:33.490 Yeah. I think we should definitely start out and tell people, too. Like, we are highly inappropriate. Speaker A 00:05:33.810 - 00:05:36.530 And parental discretion. Speaker B 00:05:36.850 - 00:05:41.970 Yeah, highly inappropriate. We're not for some, probably not for most. Speaker A 00:05:42.450 - 00:05:43.330 Well, hopefully. Speaker B 00:05:43.410 - 00:05:55.410 But, yeah, we just really want to, like, tell the people it doesn't have to. Trauma doesn't have to control Your life forever. Speaker A 00:05:55.810 - 00:05:56.330 Yep. Speaker B 00:05:56.330 - 00:06:02.130 I like to say it can be earth shaking, not earth shattering. Speaker A 00:06:02.210 - 00:06:02.610 Right. Speaker B 00:06:03.330 - 00:06:09.550 And you can come out the other side and be like, kind of cool, normal people. Speaker A 00:06:09.710 - 00:06:27.150 Fairly normal. You can be mothers and be a good mom. You can be a wife and be a good partner and a good wife and not be a fucking train wreck. Yeah, but, yeah, there are things that we're gonna say that are not gonna be popular opinion, but this is our experience with it. Speaker B 00:06:27.550 - 00:06:41.710 Our experience with our experience is the big part of it. Like, and this is how we chose to cope. We went through some shit. We don't have PhDs. You should probably not use us as. Speaker A 00:06:41.870 - 00:06:46.110 Your life goals or your reference on a resume. Speaker B 00:06:46.510 - 00:07:11.530 Don't do that either. I mean, but, like, I don't think, especially our generation, I don't think it's completely abnormal to have gone through such a crazy partying days and had a lot of regrets. I think we took it to the extreme for sure. With addiction, whether it be sex, drugs and rock and roll. I know. Speaker A 00:07:11.530 - 00:07:13.010 You just described my 20s. Speaker B 00:07:13.170 - 00:07:14.530 I know, I know. Speaker A 00:07:14.610 - 00:07:15.490 I love that journey. Speaker B 00:07:15.490 - 00:07:50.250 But, yeah, like, I do think, like, because we went through our own shit and we chose to deal with it how we did, whether we. I mean, we both have been through therapy, but I think lots and lots of therapy. Yeah. And I think especially because you don't have to be the moms that the Stepford Wives moms, like, our moms, felt like they had to be. Nowadays it's okay to say you're not okay or it's okay to not be the perfect mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. Speaker A 00:07:50.330 - 00:07:52.250 I don't even know what PTA stands for. Speaker B 00:07:52.650 - 00:07:53.370 What? Jess? Speaker A 00:07:53.370 - 00:07:54.090 Pta. Speaker B 00:07:54.810 - 00:07:56.650 And I immediately thought ptsd. Speaker A 00:07:57.210 - 00:07:58.330 Post traumatic. Speaker B 00:07:58.330 - 00:08:02.090 That's what PTA sounds like to me. I would have ptsd. Speaker A 00:08:02.090 - 00:08:03.170 I would be very sweaty. Speaker B 00:08:03.170 - 00:08:05.290 I ever entered a PTA meeting. Speaker A 00:08:05.630 - 00:08:05.870 Yeah. Speaker B 00:08:05.870 - 00:08:08.270 Nothing against those that are in pta. Speaker A 00:08:08.670 - 00:08:14.270 I think we might be very normal. And I use that term, like, pretty loosely. Like, women are. Speaker B 00:08:14.430 - 00:08:15.230 How dare you? Speaker A 00:08:15.310 - 00:08:37.310 I know. Like, women are aged, though. And we grew up with sort of like baby boomer parents that were like, you're crying. You better whatever. I'll give you something to cry about. That sort of crap. And then I personally was born anxious and I had panic attacks, and I didn't know what that meant. But that was before mental health was dealt with. Speaker B 00:08:38.170 - 00:08:39.290 It was a get over it. Speaker A 00:08:39.370 - 00:09:01.610 It was a get over it. You had to get over it. You had to put your foot in front of the other, whether you knew how or not. So this is our sort of generation. This is our journey. We dealt with that of, you know, we've got some mental health problems, some shit went down and things happened to us and we had to deal with it in the best way that we knew how. Speaker B 00:09:01.770 - 00:09:06.080 Some shit was done. Not necessarily to us, but our own choices. Speaker A 00:09:06.080 - 00:09:06.840 Because of us. Speaker B 00:09:07.000 - 00:09:19.559 Yeah. Our own choices were made that weren't great. And I think, too, this podcast will make people feel smarter and better about their lives. Speaker A 00:09:19.640 - 00:09:20.440 Sure. Yeah. Speaker B 00:09:20.440 - 00:09:23.280 Because, I mean, if we can't make. Speaker A 00:09:23.280 - 00:09:28.920 You feel better, then what's the point? Everyone just wants to feel good. Everyone wants to be happy. Speaker B 00:09:29.400 - 00:09:38.770 Everybody wants to be happy. But why isn't that main focus, Are you happy? I mean, it depends on the moment. Like, am I happy with what? Speaker A 00:09:39.650 - 00:09:40.530 Oh, that's broad. Speaker B 00:09:40.770 - 00:09:42.450 I mean, that's loaded. Speaker A 00:09:42.690 - 00:09:43.530 That's very loaded. Speaker B 00:09:43.530 - 00:09:47.090 I think happiness comes differently in different stages of life. Speaker A 00:09:47.409 - 00:09:48.050 Overall. Speaker B 00:09:48.130 - 00:09:49.410 Overall, I'm happy. Speaker A 00:09:49.410 - 00:09:49.770 Sure. Speaker B 00:09:49.770 - 00:09:50.610 Overall, I'm good. Speaker A 00:09:50.770 - 00:09:51.330 Yeah. Speaker B 00:09:51.330 - 00:09:51.850 Yeah. Speaker A 00:09:51.850 - 00:09:52.770 That's what I'm saying. Speaker B 00:09:52.770 - 00:09:54.930 But I always thought I was good. That was the problem. Speaker A 00:09:56.770 - 00:09:57.490 There it is. Speaker B 00:09:57.490 - 00:09:58.170 There it is. Speaker A 00:09:58.170 - 00:09:58.850 Ding dong. Speaker B 00:09:58.850 - 00:10:24.140 Yep. So, like, we are kind of going to tell people how we went through our crazy party days, how we knew each other in our young twenties. We thought each other were completely different than what we were like when we met. I thought you were the coolest chick on earth, which you are, by the way. Speaker A 00:10:24.140 - 00:10:24.500 Hi. Speaker B 00:10:24.500 - 00:10:25.100 Yeah, you are. Speaker A 00:10:25.100 - 00:10:26.380 Hi. Thank you. Speaker B 00:10:26.460 - 00:10:38.170 You are. But I was like, everybody just gravitated towards you. You had this laugh that was just as loud as mine, which I never happened. Speaker A 00:10:38.170 - 00:10:40.250 It's horrible. It's horrible. Speaker B 00:10:40.250 - 00:10:41.130 And this is why. Speaker A 00:10:42.730 - 00:10:46.570 And everybody knows where the hell I am. I don't have a dainty, pretty laugh. Speaker B 00:10:46.570 - 00:10:50.330 And this is why our husbands and children are embarrassed of us. Speaker A 00:10:50.490 - 00:10:52.330 Yep. I have to clench my butthole. Speaker B 00:10:52.890 - 00:10:54.010 I know, I know. Speaker A 00:10:54.170 - 00:11:02.710 And we heard each other, like, across the room and. Yep. And I was like, I like her. She's very loud. Louder than me. Speaker B 00:11:02.870 - 00:11:14.230 And it's true. Nobody can match our loudness, especially when we're together. And that's why. Especially when we're together. Our families are so embarrassed. And we kind of love it. Speaker A 00:11:14.230 - 00:11:15.270 I kind of love that. Speaker B 00:11:15.910 - 00:11:20.510 Yeah. They just can't get us sometimes. It is what it is. Yeah. Speaker A 00:11:20.510 - 00:11:36.460 I mean, we might be embarrassing, but at the end of the day, we're pretty. Pretty fucking fantastic. I think we are in a great place. I think we're great mothers, wives, whatever. That's debatable. I'm sure our husbands will tell you a few things, but whatever. If they want A microphone. They should have gotten one. Speaker B 00:11:36.460 - 00:11:38.380 Should have gotten one. This is our podcast. Speaker A 00:11:38.380 - 00:11:52.380 Then you can tell your story, whatever. So, yeah, we've met. We went through it. It was 20 years ago. It was a long time ago, a lifetime. I don't even feel like that was my experience. Honestly, I feel so disconnected from that person. Speaker B 00:11:52.700 - 00:11:54.110 Doesn't feel like us anymore. Speaker A 00:11:54.340 - 00:11:55.380 Right, right. Speaker B 00:11:55.460 - 00:12:18.340 But we grew up, though, in the ages where, like 90s, early 2000s, it was the binge drinking culture, the house parties and, you know, so I think that we've learned a lot from that. We weren't in like our parents. I'm gonna have a beer after work. I'm gonna have a nice tap. Speaker A 00:12:18.340 - 00:12:18.900 Yep. Speaker B 00:12:18.980 - 00:12:31.490 It wasn't like, like we've said this before, we didn't think we were alcoholics because we didn't drink every day. I would only drink once or twice a month. But when I did, there was no shutoff fell for me. Speaker A 00:12:31.730 - 00:12:33.810 Never, never, never. Speaker B 00:12:34.450 - 00:12:46.210 So. And then I just thought I was. Could do anything. I was the funniest person ever. And the next morning I'd wake up and be like, I can't believe I said or did that. Or if you even. Who the fuck are you? Speaker A 00:12:46.290 - 00:12:56.990 Yeah. Yeah. If you even remembered what you did, what you said. Until you start getting those hate or those phone calls. I mean, back then we didn't really have cell phones, which again, was probably a thing. Speaker B 00:12:56.990 - 00:13:06.430 Or you had to push the same number. Or, or, or, or I've been called worse. Or you had to push the same number a bunch of times to get to the letter you wanted. Speaker A 00:13:06.430 - 00:13:12.910 Yeah, it was like AAA or A, B, C, D. Yeah, the three. Yeah, I was super fast at that. Yeah, I had really quick thumbs. Speaker B 00:13:13.070 - 00:13:16.270 The Nokia, it's my tiny, tiny hands. Speaker A 00:13:17.550 - 00:13:18.910 I could type really fast. Speaker B 00:13:21.250 - 00:13:44.290 You have to travel over the whole keyboard with those. But yeah, I think that was our culture and I think a lot of people our age struggled with that. You don't have to be as extreme as we were. We were very extreme in our partying days, but we were so invincible. Speaker A 00:13:44.850 - 00:13:51.160 We felt invincible. We felt hilarious, we felt beautiful, we felt powerful. We felt on top of. Speaker B 00:13:51.310 - 00:13:51.790 Of the party. Speaker A 00:13:53.310 - 00:14:10.830 Right. The exact opposite of what was actually going on in our heart and souls. We were not on it. We didn't feel beautiful. We didn't feel enough. We didn't feel good. We drank to forget everything that was inside of us for sure. Speaker B 00:14:10.830 - 00:14:11.550 Exactly. Speaker A 00:14:11.710 - 00:14:16.110 So that meant we drank every ounce of alcohol in the tri state area. Speaker B 00:14:17.240 - 00:14:20.840 We're not in a tri state, are we? In a tri state. Speaker A 00:14:21.800 - 00:14:27.720 Tri me. What does that even mean? I don't know. I say tri state area all the time. Have you been thinking about that? Speaker B 00:14:27.800 - 00:14:31.760 Tri state. Is that like Indiana? I don't know. Speaker A 00:14:31.760 - 00:14:34.120 Yeah, it's like the States around us again. Speaker B 00:14:34.680 - 00:14:36.040 We'll make you feel smarter. Speaker A 00:14:36.040 - 00:14:40.840 Trois. That is French. Thank you. Very smart. So anyways. Speaker B 00:14:41.000 - 00:14:41.560 Anyways. Speaker A 00:14:44.770 - 00:14:45.250 I'm so. Speaker B 00:14:45.650 - 00:14:47.410 I don't know where we went with this. Speaker A 00:14:47.810 - 00:14:49.530 Anyways, I was on a really good role. Speaker B 00:14:49.530 - 00:14:49.890 You were? Speaker A 00:14:49.890 - 00:14:57.090 No, I was on a really good role. Yeah. How much we drank, how many. Ooh. But I kept the drug addiction from you. Speaker B 00:14:57.250 - 00:14:57.650 Yeah. Speaker A 00:14:57.650 - 00:15:18.270 Nobody knew that I was doing that. Nobody knew that at the end of the night was when I was drunk enough to be like, all right, now I'm gonna try to find drugs. I'm gonna hook up with all these old friends that I knew were garbage for me, but at least they had the good drugs. So I would get pills. I would get. I would get the ecstasy. I would get whatever I could find after that. Speaker B 00:15:19.230 - 00:15:33.150 And we're gonna talk about all of that because, I mean, that wasn't my. The alcohol was by far my drug. Can you imagine if I would have done drugs on top of it? I was the one who fell on my face all the time. Speaker A 00:15:33.310 - 00:15:33.870 All the time. Speaker B 00:15:33.870 - 00:15:35.150 I would have no face left. Speaker A 00:15:35.870 - 00:15:38.830 You definitely wouldn't have. Well, teeth. Speaker B 00:15:39.310 - 00:15:46.120 My teeth are fake. Yeah, from too many falls on the old moneymaker. Speaker A 00:15:46.120 - 00:15:48.240 I don't understand why you didn't put your hands out. Speaker B 00:15:48.400 - 00:15:50.080 I don't think I knew I was falling. Speaker A 00:15:51.200 - 00:15:53.600 You are very tall, so it took a minute. Speaker B 00:15:53.680 - 00:15:54.640 I am five, eight. Speaker A 00:15:54.800 - 00:15:55.280 Yeah. Speaker B 00:15:55.680 - 00:15:58.160 A lot of road rash happened on his face. Speaker A 00:15:58.240 - 00:16:01.200 Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that. Bruises. Speaker B 00:16:01.440 - 00:16:02.200 Oh, my God. Speaker A 00:16:02.200 - 00:16:02.720 So many bruises. Speaker B 00:16:02.720 - 00:16:08.530 And then you try to put makeup on him, and makeup never covers up a crust. Crusty scab. Speaker A 00:16:09.250 - 00:16:11.090 Ugh, that's gross. Speaker B 00:16:11.170 - 00:16:11.570 Yeah. Speaker A 00:16:11.570 - 00:16:15.410 Okay. I mean, you said crusty scab in the first visit. Okay. Speaker B 00:16:15.410 - 00:16:19.810 Yeah, sorry. Hopefully people are still listening by now. Yeah, I turned them off. Speaker A 00:16:19.810 - 00:16:21.450 It's on your face, not your vagina. Speaker B 00:16:21.450 - 00:16:23.170 Oh, well, you never know. Speaker A 00:16:27.250 - 00:16:31.010 We don't want to put that juju out there. No, we don't want to put that juju out there. Speaker B 00:16:31.250 - 00:16:35.410 Anyway, a lot of crusty people probably. Yeah. Speaker A 00:16:35.730 - 00:16:39.330 I don't know. I know I did, but I couldn't tell you. Speaker B 00:16:39.730 - 00:16:45.330 And for any of you out there, we're not mentioning names, but you know who you are, but don't feel good about it. Speaker A 00:16:45.330 - 00:16:45.770 Oh, God. Speaker B 00:16:45.770 - 00:16:46.610 The bar was set low. Speaker A 00:16:46.610 - 00:16:46.970 Okay. Speaker B 00:16:46.970 - 00:16:53.570 The bar was set very low. Yeah, yeah. Like, I feel like we were looking for love in all the wrong places, but I wasn't necessarily looking for love. Speaker A 00:16:53.890 - 00:17:01.330 From you, but that was everybody in the bar. You know who you are. Ooh, I feel like there's a. What did we say? Vendetta? Speaker B 00:17:03.120 - 00:17:24.240 No, not even that. It's just like anyone that would give us attention, we would gravitate to. And we'll talk about all of that and how the alcohol, drugs for you came into play with all of that. We'll talk about how we came out the other side and we're now still hot shit, but in a different way. Speaker A 00:17:24.240 - 00:17:29.600 Oh, for sure, for sure. That rock bottom. Why we. Yeah, why we. Speaker B 00:17:29.600 - 00:17:32.910 How many times we should have hit rock bottom and did not? Speaker A 00:17:32.910 - 00:17:41.430 Oh, we did. We hit it. We high fived it and then we rolled around in it till our fingers were pruning and we just were very happy there. Speaker B 00:17:41.430 - 00:17:42.030 You're right. Speaker A 00:17:42.190 - 00:17:43.470 We were very happy there. Speaker B 00:17:43.470 - 00:17:55.390 And then we were like, yep, yep. And then we were like, well, I'm going to drink and do something else stupid to forget about the stupidness of that that just happened. Yep, yep. Speaker A 00:17:55.630 - 00:18:19.600 That was always the thing that bothered me when I did get sober is everyone's like, well, he was drunk, she was drunk. No, no, no, that. Yeah. And we'll get into that too. Kind of like where our mindset is now, how we feel about drinking. Mothers that drink, fathers that drink and do drugs and still try to have that party lifestyle and try to be parents, whatever. I mean, we're not going to go. Speaker B 00:18:19.600 - 00:18:23.800 Maybe some people can. We cannot, of course, because we didn't have a turn off. Speaker A 00:18:23.800 - 00:18:27.400 Nope. There was no balance there. There was no stopping. Speaker B 00:18:27.400 - 00:18:27.760 Right. Speaker A 00:18:27.840 - 00:18:36.320 I drank until the sun came up by myself in my living room on the floor, eating cereal and spaghetti and whatever I could get my hands on. Speaker B 00:18:36.320 - 00:18:37.880 And how long have you been sober now? Speaker A 00:18:37.880 - 00:18:38.440 Nine years. Speaker B 00:18:38.440 - 00:18:39.600 Yep. Nine years. Speaker A 00:18:39.680 - 00:18:40.520 How long have you. Speaker B 00:18:40.520 - 00:18:41.840 I've been three and a half. Speaker A 00:18:41.920 - 00:18:42.479 Yep. Speaker B 00:18:42.479 - 00:19:31.310 Not nearly as long as you, but looking at how, like, you were my inspiration, you were my like, okay, I'm done with this now. I am in my 40s and still doing this shit. Still waking up with these God awful hangovers and the mom guilt and the guilt of the stupid shit I did when I thought I was hilarious and waking up immediately in pain because I fell on my face again, you know, like. But then looking at you and being like, well, she's still fun, I think I was so nervous I wouldn't be fun. Which we'll get into all of that too. But like, big time. Big time. Yeah. You were a big help in that because we had our big, fun party days together. Speaker A 00:19:31.710 - 00:19:32.110 Right. Speaker B 00:19:32.350 - 00:19:44.910 And then you got sober. But I was still, like I said once or twice a month, still in my drinking and couldn't control it and. Oh, man. So bad. You saw some things. Speaker A 00:19:45.390 - 00:19:57.150 Yeah, I did, because I was sober when you were still drinking. And it was always really hard when you started speaking cursive with me, and I was like, oh, fuck, there she goes. Speaker B 00:19:57.150 - 00:20:00.430 Gosh, I was so pretty all the time. Speaker A 00:20:01.150 - 00:20:03.990 I mean, you were pretty. You looked pretty, but it's sure. Speaker B 00:20:03.990 - 00:20:10.830 I was, like, drooling out of one side of my mouth and my eyes were probably crossed and my left eye always went down. Speaker A 00:20:10.910 - 00:20:12.740 Did it? Yeah, I had a lazy eye. Speaker B 00:20:12.890 - 00:20:20.810 Huh. Made you have a wonky eye. But, yeah. So, yeah, the not drinking has been beneficial for us. Speaker A 00:20:21.130 - 00:20:21.690 Yep. Speaker B 00:20:21.690 - 00:20:33.370 And hopefully if people are feeling the same way we felt in those situations, like I said, I think it's a big thing for people our age to go through, and maybe we can. Speaker A 00:20:34.890 - 00:20:47.130 Maybe we can inspire. Maybe we can just give you a little sense of hope. Maybe we can let you know that we're not going to go back and change all of that. There are so many, so many fucking regrets. Speaker B 00:20:47.450 - 00:20:48.810 Doesn't have to define you. Speaker A 00:20:48.890 - 00:21:17.480 Absolutely not. If you went back and you changed all of that, you wouldn't be the person that you are. And I know for you and for me, we are still growing. We are still evolving. We're still trying to figure out who we are. We're only in our mid-40s. Let's hope that we've got a lot of time left to figure it out and become who we were supposed to be. But the regret for me was a big deal. I always wanted to take that book and fucking burn it. But you can't do that, right? Speaker B 00:21:17.480 - 00:21:20.040 Well, for me, it was the embarrassment. Speaker A 00:21:20.040 - 00:21:22.120 It is embarrassing. It's all embarrassing. Speaker B 00:21:22.120 - 00:21:26.120 It's disgusting. Especially being in our little town. They talk. Speaker A 00:21:26.440 - 00:21:27.200 Yes, they do. Speaker B 00:21:27.200 - 00:21:34.280 They just be talking. And when you come sound like my great Aunt Margaret. Speaker A 00:21:34.810 - 00:21:38.810 The streets be talking on a small town. Speaker B 00:21:39.370 - 00:21:40.370 Oh, yeah. Speaker A 00:21:40.370 - 00:21:49.210 I mean, nobody really knew me, I don't think. I mean, I still. Yeah, maybe they did. I don't know. Maybe I have a bigger reputation than I think I do, but I don't know. I still don't. Speaker B 00:21:49.210 - 00:21:51.370 Well, I have a big, huge family from YouTube. Speaker A 00:21:51.370 - 00:21:53.610 Small from here. Yep, that's true. Speaker B 00:21:53.610 - 00:22:04.650 Yeah. Like, the embarrassment of it all, the embarrassment I caused my family, was always so stressful, and I think that's why I was like, well, just gonna keep doing this. Speaker A 00:22:04.650 - 00:22:15.530 Made you drink more. Made you drink more. Because you would show up and they'd be looking at you in pity and shame, and you're like, well, fuck that. I'm gonna go bigger. I'm gonna go home. Speaker B 00:22:15.770 - 00:22:18.410 Always went big. Sometimes went home. Speaker A 00:22:18.730 - 00:22:19.130 No. Speaker B 00:22:19.610 - 00:22:22.090 Sometimes I didn't know where I was, but. Speaker A 00:22:22.090 - 00:22:25.130 Oh, no, Lots of times we didn't know where we were for sure. Speaker B 00:22:25.290 - 00:22:26.170 So safe. Speaker A 00:22:26.890 - 00:22:27.690 Incredibly. Speaker B 00:22:28.090 - 00:22:34.570 They didn't have Ubers, by the way. If they had Ubers, maybe I would have ended up at home more often. Speaker A 00:22:35.370 - 00:22:44.090 Probably. Maybe not probably. That's. Yeah, that's a lot of regret. A lot of regret. We should have been in prison. We should be in jail. Speaker B 00:22:44.410 - 00:22:46.490 We should have made it this far. Speaker A 00:22:46.730 - 00:22:47.090 No. Speaker B 00:22:47.090 - 00:22:50.010 Like, we didn't think we'd hit 40. You and I both have talked about. Speaker A 00:22:50.010 - 00:22:51.850 That, and I was okay with it. Speaker B 00:22:52.010 - 00:23:18.210 Yeah. We were like, well, lived a good life. If I don't make it to 40. So now every year is, like, a bonus level. Sure, I think. But. And that's. You could have that regret. You could have that embarrassment. It doesn't have to define you. Like. Yep. Would I do that all over again? Probably not. But because I did, I'm okay with it now because here I am correct with you. Speaker A 00:23:18.370 - 00:23:22.370 You're my best friend, and may I say, you're welcome. Speaker B 00:23:23.170 - 00:23:23.930 You're welcome. Speaker A 00:23:23.930 - 00:23:28.960 Not to be confused with welcome. That's close. That's gross. Speaker B 00:23:28.960 - 00:23:29.440 Yeah. Speaker A 00:23:29.600 - 00:23:30.000 Sorry. Speaker B 00:23:30.000 - 00:23:30.280 Okay. Speaker A 00:23:30.280 - 00:23:43.120 I go on tangents. I did a lot of drugs when I was younger, so I probably have, like, holes in my brain. They did this thing on ecstasy. I saw it on MTV's True Life. Everybody knows that episode. They did an ecstasy and they had, like, holes in their brains and stuff. Speaker B 00:23:43.280 - 00:23:46.720 I don't remember that episode, but I do remember mtv. True Life. Speaker A 00:23:47.040 - 00:23:47.600 So good. Speaker B 00:23:47.600 - 00:23:48.560 Yeah. So good. Speaker A 00:23:48.640 - 00:23:49.200 So good. Speaker B 00:23:49.760 - 00:24:05.450 And what else did we want to. Oh, should we tell people about? I know we kind of hit on it a little bit, but let's tell the people how we met. The one person watching us. How we met. And how do we meet? Speaker A 00:24:05.850 - 00:24:08.690 Oh, we met through our mutual friend Rebecca. Speaker B 00:24:08.690 - 00:24:10.890 Yep. Thanks, Rebecca. Speaker A 00:24:10.890 - 00:24:13.170 Sweetest person you will ever meet on the planet. Speaker B 00:24:13.170 - 00:24:13.890 Really is big. Speaker A 00:24:13.890 - 00:24:28.500 Shout out to her, honestly, because she was. I mean, I'll get into this in future episodes. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. Very sheltered, very strict life. She was my first non Witness adult friend. Speaker B 00:24:28.820 - 00:24:29.300 Wow. Speaker A 00:24:29.300 - 00:24:35.180 Oh, yeah, for sure. Very dynamic. And then she introduced you and I because you guys were neighbors in the. Speaker B 00:24:35.180 - 00:24:37.860 Old Ashipin in the old Ashapin. Yeah. Speaker A 00:24:39.300 - 00:24:42.260 But we all had parting in common. Speaker B 00:24:42.260 - 00:24:53.230 Yep. And she was really good at. She was a mom very young, so she was really good at mothering our train wreck asses. Speaker A 00:24:53.790 - 00:25:12.250 She was basically an engineer too, driving me home all the time. But again, I kept going back and forth and back and forth on drugs. And she didn't know either. So there was a distance that I. After meeting you guys very quickly, I. Speaker B 00:25:13.130 - 00:25:18.010 So these girls don't do drugs, so I'm gonna stick with people that do, of course. Speaker A 00:25:19.210 - 00:25:22.730 Because if alcohol is out there, what else is out there? Speaker B 00:25:22.970 - 00:25:23.610 Haha. Speaker A 00:25:24.010 - 00:25:26.170 Yep. Yeah. It's crazy. Speaker B 00:25:26.170 - 00:25:28.090 What else can make me feel this good? Speaker A 00:25:28.170 - 00:25:31.290 Right. And then suddenly you're an addict. Speaker B 00:25:31.290 - 00:25:31.650 Yeah. Speaker A 00:25:31.650 - 00:25:43.300 And you're garbage and you're in pain and it's awful. And you don't know what the fuck you're gonna do. And that's why it's like, if I die this time, it's okay I'm square with it. Speaker B 00:25:43.380 - 00:26:03.620 Ugh. I can't imagine that. Well, I will say, I remember meeting you at ground zero. Shout out to the ground zero polls for days. It was not the ground zero that people think of now in New York. Oh, no, it wasn't a thing back then. This was before 9 11. Speaker A 00:26:03.950 - 00:26:04.270 Yeah. Speaker B 00:26:04.270 - 00:26:14.910 It was a dance club in Okachee, Wisconsin, in the basement. And yep, there was fog machines, beer burps and pennies. Cigarettes. Speaker A 00:26:15.150 - 00:26:19.630 Cigarettes and gonorrhea. If that has an odor, I would imagine. Speaker B 00:26:19.950 - 00:26:29.350 I would imagine it does. Yeah. I mean, it did have a smell. Yeah. There was a cage with a pole. I did many a turn around that pole. Speaker A 00:26:29.350 - 00:26:29.830 You did? Speaker B 00:26:29.830 - 00:26:30.350 Mm. Speaker A 00:26:30.960 - 00:26:32.400 I'll be your disco stick now. Speaker B 00:26:32.800 - 00:26:33.200 Huh? Speaker A 00:26:33.200 - 00:26:34.520 I'm your disco stick now. Speaker B 00:26:34.520 - 00:26:35.000 Thank you. Speaker A 00:26:35.000 - 00:26:35.680 You're welcome. Speaker B 00:26:36.080 - 00:26:46.160 And so. Oh, we made a lot of friends in the bathrooms. Besties, besties in the bathroom. Bathroom besties, bathroom besties. Always, Always. Speaker A 00:26:46.560 - 00:26:47.280 Oh my gosh. Speaker B 00:26:47.280 - 00:26:49.600 Time. Well, we have small bladders. Still do. Speaker A 00:26:49.600 - 00:26:52.320 Oh yeah. You break the seal and you have to go to the bathroom all the time. Speaker B 00:26:52.320 - 00:26:52.600 Yeah. Speaker A 00:26:52.600 - 00:26:56.000 It was horrible. And all those crazy. Just like train wrecks. Just like us. Speaker B 00:26:56.500 - 00:26:57.220 Just like us. Speaker A 00:26:57.220 - 00:27:00.860 But you went in and there was always that girl that made you feel so much better about yourself. Speaker B 00:27:00.860 - 00:27:05.260 I know. You'd be like, oh, my God, I'm so drunk. And she'd be like, no, you're so. Speaker A 00:27:05.260 - 00:27:07.780 Pretty because you have vomit on your fingers. Speaker B 00:27:07.780 - 00:27:08.740 Oh my God. Speaker A 00:27:08.820 - 00:27:09.860 Because you didn't make it. Speaker B 00:27:09.860 - 00:27:23.360 Right. And a lot of test tube shots were had back then. Oh, yes, the test tube shot Girls walking around. Yeah. Kamikaze album. Glamour. Sex on the beach. That's what they always sold. Yep, yep. Speaker A 00:27:23.360 - 00:27:24.600 So many kamikazes. Speaker B 00:27:24.600 - 00:27:29.080 And we danced our butts off. Unfortunately, they don't do that anymore. Speaker A 00:27:29.720 - 00:27:32.840 Oh, they might. We just don't go to places like that anymore. Speaker B 00:27:32.840 - 00:27:34.680 I feel like these kids don't dance. Speaker A 00:27:34.840 - 00:27:35.560 They don't. Speaker B 00:27:35.880 - 00:27:41.400 It's like Footloose, you know? Footloose. Break free. Speaker A 00:27:42.120 - 00:27:42.920 Kevin Bacon. Speaker B 00:27:43.720 - 00:27:46.280 Kevin Bacon intended you to go in. Speaker A 00:27:46.280 - 00:27:53.270 The woods and just punch dance your rage with a cigarette and a beer. They don't know what it's like. Speaker B 00:27:55.110 - 00:27:57.110 Punch dance. You're ready. Speaker A 00:27:57.590 - 00:28:02.510 Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never. I don't know what else that song says. Speaker B 00:28:02.510 - 00:28:03.030 I know. Speaker A 00:28:03.270 - 00:28:10.510 That's all I can be. Just saying never. Like 87 times. It was Kevin Beacon and he had his Levi's on and he was mad. Speaker B 00:28:10.510 - 00:28:26.690 About it with his secret. But yeah. So anyways, they don't do ground zero. And then we did have a little separation for a bit. Because you were going through your stuff and the drug thing. Speaker A 00:28:26.690 - 00:28:39.770 Yeah. I met you when I was married with my ex husband way, way, way, way back in the day. And behind my awesome exterior and my glowing acrylic French tips and the black. Speaker B 00:28:39.770 - 00:28:42.210 Light blowed our acrylics. Yeah. Speaker A 00:28:42.450 - 00:28:45.330 Newport Light 100-10-1200s in a box ports. Speaker B 00:28:45.330 - 00:28:45.810 Yep. Speaker A 00:28:45.810 - 00:28:47.250 I was going through a divorce. Speaker B 00:28:47.970 - 00:28:49.050 Yeah. Yep. Speaker A 00:28:49.050 - 00:28:52.890 Because of very, very terrible, terrible things. Yeah. Speaker B 00:28:52.890 - 00:28:54.690 But also. Yeah. Speaker A 00:28:54.770 - 00:28:55.970 I wanted to drink it away. Speaker B 00:28:57.729 - 00:29:16.860 And then so we would have our dance club. Then we had our little separation for a little bit. I feel like I stayed, you know, Kahn walk and partied a bunch. Never grew up. And then we reconnected. It's been more than five years. You said five years. I think we've gotten. Speaker A 00:29:16.860 - 00:29:19.660 I have no concept of time. Speaker B 00:29:19.660 - 00:29:33.620 Yeah. We've gotten super duper close in the last five years. Like now. I couldn't imagine my life without you. Oh, my God, that'd be devastating. I just need to adjust you and your prop hands. Speaker A 00:29:33.940 - 00:29:35.180 I fucking love these things. Speaker B 00:29:35.180 - 00:29:35.820 I know you do. Speaker A 00:29:35.820 - 00:29:36.740 This makes me feel. Speaker B 00:29:36.740 - 00:29:39.180 Does it make you feel like a giant because you're so tiny? Speaker A 00:29:39.180 - 00:30:07.050 Yeah, it actually. Actually does. Well, in my head, you know, I'm like seven foot five, Right. My personality, my fucking laugh. I'm seven foot five. Watch out. I will run you over. And then I get a nipple in my mouth and I'm like, oops. Just kidding. I'm only five. Boo hoo. Sorry about your elbow. That's why I don't go out in public anymore. Want to know? Because I Get elbows. That's why I stopped going to Summerfest. Everywhere I walked, I would get, like, elbows. People just, oh, let's go over here. And it was like. Speaker B 00:30:07.940 - 00:30:14.700 And I can't even see. Everybody was having conversations above you. So you knew nothing about what was going on? Speaker A 00:30:14.700 - 00:30:16.380 No, I had. And you know I have a hearing problem. Speaker B 00:30:16.380 - 00:30:19.660 We had to put you on a leash so we wouldn't lose you like. Speaker A 00:30:19.660 - 00:30:21.780 You do in Marshalls. You can't see me. Speaker B 00:30:21.780 - 00:30:23.700 I know. You can't see over the raft. Speaker A 00:30:23.700 - 00:30:32.500 I do like a Marco Polo. And I go. And then we find each other in the scarf section. I digress. Speaker B 00:30:33.860 - 00:30:35.140 You do? Yeah. Speaker A 00:30:35.140 - 00:30:37.700 Oh, what about a nice ascot? Speaker B 00:30:39.220 - 00:30:41.620 Why did we just talk about ascots the other day? Speaker A 00:30:41.620 - 00:30:44.260 I don't know. I don't like asking Scott anything. He's a dick. Speaker B 00:30:44.340 - 00:30:46.900 Hu. Manatee. That was it. Speaker A 00:30:49.220 - 00:30:49.740 Okay. Speaker B 00:30:49.740 - 00:30:50.260 Anyways. Speaker A 00:30:50.420 - 00:30:51.300 Hugh Jackman. Speaker B 00:30:51.380 - 00:30:51.780 No. Speaker A 00:30:51.780 - 00:30:52.900 No tangents. Speaker B 00:30:53.700 - 00:30:54.500 Which we're on. Speaker A 00:30:55.300 - 00:30:56.980 Okay. Bring it back in. Speaker B 00:30:56.980 - 00:31:05.140 Bring it back, bring it back. So here we are now, y' all. So here we are. Here I am in our mid-40s. Speaker A 00:31:05.140 - 00:31:05.660 Yep. Speaker B 00:31:05.660 - 00:31:06.300 Loving life. Speaker A 00:31:06.300 - 00:31:07.060 Killing it. Speaker B 00:31:07.620 - 00:31:13.780 Made it through. What did we make it through? We made it through. Sex, drugs, Rock and roll. Speaker A 00:31:13.780 - 00:31:14.420 There she is. Speaker B 00:31:14.420 - 00:31:22.660 Alcohol. The drugs. The one night stands. The food addiction. The food addiction. Speaker A 00:31:22.820 - 00:31:44.240 Food addictions. And trying to get ourselves together through depression, anxiety, panic attacks. Food addiction. And trying to have babies. And trying to meet men that would fucking tolerate us because we keep everyone at arm's length. Or we did back in the day. So that was a huge feat. Speaker B 00:31:44.400 - 00:31:51.320 Yep. To get somebody to like me for me. That's why I thought there was something wrong with my husband when I first met him. Speaker A 00:31:51.320 - 00:31:52.760 Oh, for sure. I still think there is. Speaker B 00:31:52.760 - 00:31:55.040 What's wrong with you? Nobody likes me this much. Speaker A 00:31:55.280 - 00:31:55.840 I do. Speaker B 00:31:55.840 - 00:31:56.960 Now you say you love me. Speaker A 00:31:57.290 - 00:31:57.770 Scissors. Speaker B 00:31:57.850 - 00:31:58.490 Happening. Speaker A 00:31:58.490 - 00:32:00.490 No, stop it. Stop it. Speaker B 00:32:03.930 - 00:32:06.330 No scissoring. Maybe tomorrow. Speaker A 00:32:06.730 - 00:32:18.810 I'm seeing. That's my problem. And this is why I love you. Because you just let me go. And every time I bust out in song, you're like, yes. And I love that about you. You are my river. Speaker B 00:32:19.450 - 00:32:19.810 Yeah. Speaker A 00:32:19.810 - 00:32:24.600 You're my biggest fan. And vice versa. And I think the world needs to see it. Speaker B 00:32:24.600 - 00:32:25.040 Yeah. Speaker A 00:32:25.040 - 00:32:26.200 And experience it. Speaker B 00:32:26.600 - 00:32:42.520 And we'll talk about, like, all the traumas that came with a lot of that. And that's why you have nose issues, too. Yeah. You just picked your own nose with your tiny little hands. Speaker A 00:32:42.520 - 00:32:45.000 I did. They're my tiny hands. Speaker B 00:32:45.320 - 00:32:46.680 Loss of parents. Speaker A 00:32:46.680 - 00:32:47.320 Loss of. Speaker B 00:32:47.400 - 00:32:49.240 Loss of parents. Oops. Speaker A 00:32:49.650 - 00:32:51.170 Oh, we forgot about that one. Speaker B 00:32:51.250 - 00:32:51.690 Ooh. Speaker A 00:32:51.690 - 00:32:51.970 Dying. Speaker B 00:32:51.970 - 00:32:57.170 Are we going through that. Death, loss of homes, jobs. Speaker A 00:32:59.490 - 00:33:06.850 All of the nitty gritty. So much cults I want to call. I can call it that. That was my experience. Speaker B 00:33:07.010 - 00:33:09.250 If that was your experience, very. Speaker A 00:33:09.330 - 00:33:11.890 Like I said, strict and very religious. Speaker B 00:33:12.450 - 00:33:29.700 Not from my experience with it on the outside looking in. I have had multiple friends that have had the same religion as you, and some are still there and great. They have a different experience. But post Malone was. Speaker A 00:33:30.020 - 00:33:40.500 No, I said post religion. Sorry, I was whispering. And I shouldn't do that. I shouldn't do that. Yeah. Post religion, I'm no longer associated with that. Speaker B 00:33:40.740 - 00:34:01.140 And I've had some friends that have been out of that religion that now, whether it's their own choice or not. And it does seem cultish from what I've seen of it. Like I said, I have a friend who is still in it and it's her. That's her jam. That's her thing. And we'll get into all of that in the future episodes. Speaker A 00:34:01.300 - 00:34:02.860 But like, yeah, disfellowship. Speaker B 00:34:02.860 - 00:34:03.860 Religion. Yep. Speaker A 00:34:03.860 - 00:34:04.340 Yep. Speaker B 00:34:04.340 - 00:34:07.060 Religion has played a big part in both of our lives. Speaker A 00:34:07.060 - 00:34:07.540 Correct. Speaker B 00:34:07.540 - 00:34:10.900 Different religions, but similar experiences. Speaker A 00:34:10.980 - 00:34:21.070 Similar experiences of never really fitting in there and never feeling really good and having to live up to an expectation that was unattainable. Speaker B 00:34:21.230 - 00:34:23.990 Unattainable for both of us because simply. Speaker A 00:34:23.990 - 00:34:29.710 Because of our personalities. I don't think I was made for religion. I don't know. That's just me. Speaker B 00:34:29.710 - 00:34:45.060 I know. And when people say that they're spiritual but they're not religious, I am. I feel like that could be me. Like, I don't believe that there's any one true write religion. Like, even if religion is a thing. Speaker A 00:34:45.060 - 00:35:01.620 I cannot believe that because this was our experience. What was sort of given to us and handed to us and be like, okay, this is what we think is a true religion. Our parents saying, this is what we are and this is what you're gonna be. And we kind of went, what the hell? I don't like this. Speaker B 00:35:01.700 - 00:35:05.060 And what if I don't believe this way? Or what if I don't? Speaker A 00:35:05.220 - 00:35:05.740 Yes. Speaker B 00:35:05.740 - 00:35:23.310 Yep. And I also think raising children to, like, it's okay. Like, now you didn't question it back then. Now it's okay if you have questions about this. Like, yes, I still believe in God, I still believe in heaven, but I. Speaker A 00:35:23.310 - 00:35:26.030 Will say, and hell in a handbasket. Speaker B 00:35:26.030 - 00:35:49.530 And I believe in hell. But the main purpose, sadly but true, that I believe in heaven is simply because I want to know that I am going to see my dad again one day. I want to know when my relatives, when my family, friends, when they pass. I would like to think that I will see them again one day. Yeah. Speaker A 00:35:50.010 - 00:35:56.250 But my nose has been whistling. I literally sounded like a pan flute for a second there. Speaker B 00:35:56.250 - 00:35:58.370 The recorder. Can you play Three Blind Mice? Speaker A 00:35:58.370 - 00:36:04.950 I can. Hot Cross Buns has gotten me out of so many spicy situations. You have no idea. Speaker B 00:36:05.190 - 00:36:05.790 Has it? Speaker A 00:36:05.790 - 00:36:11.750 If I just didn't want to perform sexually, I would just pull out the recorder and play some Hot Cross Buns. Speaker B 00:36:11.750 - 00:36:14.710 And they will be amazing. And he would find his physical talent. Speaker A 00:36:14.710 - 00:36:15.550 And I'd be like. Speaker B 00:36:15.550 - 00:36:17.910 He'll be like, I got your recorder right there, baby. Speaker A 00:36:21.270 - 00:36:30.490 I'm gonna play the skin flute. No. I'm so sorry. We were on a really good roll there. We were in a good role. Speaker B 00:36:30.490 - 00:36:31.210 Sorry about that. Speaker A 00:36:31.210 - 00:36:43.490 I am apologizing about my whistle. Whistle. I would love to see my family again. I don't know that's in the cards for me. I don't know. I also don't know. Speaker B 00:36:43.490 - 00:36:44.850 I was speaking of heaven. Speaker A 00:36:45.170 - 00:36:45.570 Sure. Speaker B 00:36:45.730 - 00:36:50.290 Okay. We'd love to see your family again because there are some here on earth that you don't see. Speaker A 00:36:52.620 - 00:36:55.100 Majority. Yeah, majority. Speaker B 00:36:55.260 - 00:37:09.260 But we'll get into all that and how that happened and why and the. I mean, even your decision of to let that be how it is for now, and maybe you'll change your mind one day. Speaker A 00:37:09.660 - 00:37:22.090 Maybe it will. Maybe I will. I hope through opening ourselves up and just sort of spilling our guts, this is gonna be cathartic. Is that the word I'm looking for? Speaker B 00:37:22.090 - 00:37:23.570 It's like our own therapy, too. Speaker A 00:37:23.570 - 00:37:24.170 Therapy. Speaker B 00:37:24.170 - 00:37:25.170 We've been through therapy. Speaker A 00:37:25.490 - 00:37:55.230 We've been through all of it. And I've talked to. I had a psychiatrist. I had a trauma therapist, did EMDR therapy. And I had an addiction counselor who I still see every two weeks. I still see her. But it is one of those things that I feel like opening ourselves up and even just talking about it again and getting it out there again. I hope not only helps us, helps other people. That is my goal. I love hope. Speaker B 00:37:55.470 - 00:37:55.990 Yeah. Speaker A 00:37:55.990 - 00:38:07.630 Like, if there was hope for me, because that's sort of where I'm at. Even with you, there was hope for you. There's hope for me. There's hope for any and everybody you can find. Speaker B 00:38:07.630 - 00:38:16.510 I can be in the gutter. Like, I was many a time, sure, I could be a dumpster fire. And I was many a time own fucking fire. Speaker A 00:38:16.750 - 00:38:17.230 Yep. Speaker B 00:38:17.860 - 00:39:00.300 And self sabotaging myself always. But, yeah, like, you could look at us and be like, well, at least I'm not that bad. So there's hope for me. Or you can look at us and be like, they've experienced a lot of the same things, and they seem together like semi responsible adults that we are. Yeah. But, like, seriously, like, it's like we've said, you know, don't. We're gonna let our mess be our message. As I heard once. I can't remember. Oh, I like that. Okay. Let your mess be your message. And I'm not gonna claim it. I heard it somewhere. Probably on the Real Housewives. Speaker A 00:39:00.460 - 00:39:10.710 Oh, yeah. Most likely. We do a lot of that. Yeah, we quote things like. I don't think I said my own sentence until I was 25. I quoted movies. Speaker B 00:39:10.710 - 00:39:12.630 You're really good at remembering movies. Speaker A 00:39:13.030 - 00:39:19.030 It's not. It doesn't come in handy for any situation ever in my whole life so far. Speaker B 00:39:19.590 - 00:39:19.950 Oh. Speaker A 00:39:19.950 - 00:39:26.870 All of a sudden. Let me just quote Back to the Future real quick. And everyone looks at me like, I've got crabs coming out of my ears. Speaker B 00:39:26.870 - 00:39:27.750 It makes me happy. Speaker A 00:39:27.830 - 00:39:28.350 Thank you. Speaker B 00:39:28.350 - 00:39:31.070 Crabs. Crabs coming out of your vagina, not your ears. Speaker A 00:39:31.070 - 00:39:34.470 No, no, no. I don't have. Oh, that's the clap. No, I don't have creps. Speaker B 00:39:35.200 - 00:39:36.240 You don't have crabs? Speaker A 00:39:38.400 - 00:39:39.600 Crabs or craps. Speaker B 00:39:39.920 - 00:39:41.680 Oh, you just made a new std. Speaker A 00:39:42.080 - 00:39:43.040 The crab crabs. Speaker B 00:39:43.040 - 00:39:44.080 I got the crabs. Speaker A 00:39:44.800 - 00:39:50.640 The crab crabs. You're disgusting. You would need a tiny, tiny comb for crab. Crabs. Speaker B 00:39:51.280 - 00:39:55.200 That's when you get them. I would help you from the peach area. Speaker A 00:39:55.360 - 00:39:56.320 Brush through it. Speaker B 00:39:56.320 - 00:39:57.040 That's your crab. Speaker A 00:39:57.040 - 00:39:58.080 Did you do the emoji? Speaker B 00:39:58.160 - 00:40:01.680 I don't get it. I sell. Okay, okay, okay. Speaker A 00:40:01.680 - 00:40:03.280 I thought peach is a butt. Speaker B 00:40:03.280 - 00:40:04.760 I know. I didn't know. Speaker A 00:40:05.000 - 00:40:08.600 And there's usually hair on people's butt cheeks, so, like a fuzzy peach. Speaker B 00:40:08.760 - 00:40:10.840 Maybe you should get a Brazilian. Thought of that. Speaker A 00:40:11.480 - 00:40:18.760 I don't want a fucking Brazilian. I do kind of want a porn star butthole, but that's for a whole nother episode. Speaker B 00:40:19.720 - 00:40:24.360 Okay, we're getting off. Nope, we're getting off. Get us back on track, Emily. Speaker A 00:40:24.760 - 00:40:51.620 That whole episode. Where are we going? I don't know. Where are we getting. Ooh. No risk, no story. And I like that. Sorry. I have, like, these just sort of. Yeah, I have to have. I have to keep us on track. So I have these, like, cute little, like, quotes and things that, you know, is kind of our goal or what we want to do or what we want to achieve. Even if you and I just get better than we are, then I'm happy. Speaker B 00:40:51.620 - 00:40:52.100 Yeah. Speaker A 00:40:52.100 - 00:40:53.060 That's why we did this. Speaker B 00:40:53.060 - 00:40:58.850 If nobody finds us funny, if nobody listens or tunes in to us. Speaker A 00:40:59.480 - 00:41:00.040 Well, whatever. Speaker B 00:41:00.760 - 00:41:03.240 We had fun and we needed a hobby. Speaker A 00:41:04.920 - 00:41:09.640 I don't know anybody that had. Well, yeah, no. Everybody I know has a hobby. I don't have a hobby. Speaker B 00:41:09.640 - 00:41:10.360 We don't have a hobby. Speaker A 00:41:10.360 - 00:41:14.040 There's not things I like. I work all the time. Speaker B 00:41:14.200 - 00:41:14.600 Same. Speaker A 00:41:15.080 - 00:41:34.620 I work and then I go home and I'm a mom, and you do the mom shit and the wife shit and all that stuff. And it literally is a vicious cycle. And it can so easily. At least for addicts, it can so easily get bored. And a bored brain is a dangerous thing. Yeah, I don't like being bored. Speaker B 00:41:35.180 - 00:41:41.500 I don't have. I don't find. Who has time to be bored. Speaker A 00:41:44.060 - 00:41:48.140 Well, you're a planner. You're always busy. You're even more busy than I am. Speaker B 00:41:48.460 - 00:41:58.920 Well, there's a lot of shit going on in my life too, which we'll also get to Sick parents in the butthole episode. I just said parent and you said possible episode. Speaker A 00:41:59.720 - 00:42:03.320 I ruin everything. I'm the worst. I'm the worst. Speaker B 00:42:05.400 - 00:42:11.560 Pan flu. No. Yeah, just like we've talked about. Just the experiences, like. Speaker A 00:42:11.880 - 00:42:17.080 Nope, I lost. I'll get it together. I'll get it together. Speaker B 00:42:17.960 - 00:42:19.360 Oh, I'm getting sweaty. Speaker A 00:42:19.360 - 00:42:19.880 Sorry. Speaker B 00:42:19.960 - 00:42:20.520 Okay. Speaker A 00:42:20.830 - 00:42:22.910 Sorry. I need Botox. I look like a nutsack. Speaker B 00:42:22.910 - 00:42:27.830 Stop it. You don't look like a nutsack. You're beautiful. You look like a princess. And you smell like pine needles. Speaker A 00:42:27.830 - 00:42:29.870 Thank you. You look like Cinderella. Speaker B 00:42:29.870 - 00:42:30.350 Yeah. Speaker A 00:42:30.750 - 00:42:32.230 Spin around the kind of time. Speaker B 00:42:32.230 - 00:42:50.110 Oh, yeah. So. But back on track is, I think what we'll cover too, in this is like I was explaining to you the other day how I feel like I am failing everywhere at every spot in my life. Speaker A 00:42:50.110 - 00:42:52.270 And I think it's imposter sy. Speaker B 00:42:52.650 - 00:43:39.160 Imposter syndrome. I feel like. I feel like a lot of people, a lot of women feel like they're failing. I right now, having one parent gone and another parent that is on her way out, Unfortunately, I feel like, you know, a lot of women deal with that where I feel like I am failing as a mother, I'm failing definitely as a wife, I am failing as a daughter, I'm failing as a friend big time. I'm failing as a boss. I'm failing to be the best hairdresser I can be to my clients and listen to them like I'm supposed to because I have so much shit going on. Speaker A 00:43:39.160 - 00:43:39.560 Right? Speaker B 00:43:39.640 - 00:44:01.400 So it's like I'm. I feel like a lot of women are like me because we put a lot of pressure on Ourselves, Sure. But I'm not saying we have to be perfect all the time. I just want to be there for everyone at all the time, at all times. And literally just had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and I was like, I am so sorry. I know you're a much better friend to me than I am to you. Speaker A 00:44:01.560 - 00:44:02.040 Yeah. Speaker B 00:44:02.040 - 00:44:13.720 And she was like, heather, I will take you any way I can get you. Like, of course, if it's just for a quick in passing or if it's just for while I'm doing your hair. I broke down and I had the ugly cry. Speaker A 00:44:13.720 - 00:44:14.200 Ew. Speaker B 00:44:14.280 - 00:44:14.840 I know. Speaker A 00:44:14.840 - 00:44:16.480 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say ew. Speaker B 00:44:16.480 - 00:44:18.520 You've seen the ugly cry. It's not pretty. Speaker A 00:44:18.840 - 00:44:20.720 As I just said cry makes me uncomfortable. Speaker B 00:44:20.720 - 00:44:23.960 I know it makes me uncomfortable. Cause I never do it. Speaker A 00:44:24.120 - 00:44:25.560 No, it feels weird. Speaker B 00:44:26.840 - 00:44:45.060 I'm just liquid coming in my head. Literally. When I cried in front of my husband and kid, I think they got nervous because I never do it. And it's like, I think that we get overwhelmed and overstimulated and there's only so much we can take at once. And I exploded. Speaker A 00:44:45.380 - 00:45:35.770 And I think that's so relatable, though we are not the generation like the stay at home moms. Like, my mom didn't work. She stayed at home, she knit, she watched her soap operas and dare I say, was absolutely miserable. Had no purpose, had no goals, had nothing. And that was why we went into a very consuming religion, because she had nothing. Totally different topic. But we are of a different generation. We have our careers now. We've got. But we don't know how to manage it all. Sometimes there's just no balance. And then at the end of the day, all that you just talked about was being better for everybody else but you. Like, what are you gonna do for you? There's never time for that. That's what we're saying. That's where we started this full circle again. Is the hobby. Speaker B 00:45:36.240 - 00:45:41.920 Yeah. I feel like, yes. Well. And I'm much better taking care of other people than I am of me. I know. Speaker A 00:45:41.920 - 00:45:44.000 I think you should talk to your therapist about that. Speaker B 00:45:44.480 - 00:45:47.440 I know. It's something that we have talked about. Speaker A 00:45:47.600 - 00:45:48.080 Okay. Speaker B 00:45:48.080 - 00:46:34.820 But when it comes to taking care of ourselves, we're not the best at that. But I know I'm not that great at it either. I'm not. I don't. If I had to sit and focus on. I have a sister who will sit and like to reminisce and watch home videos of My dad. And like all of us as a family growing up, I choose to like the day of his death, his birthday, which happens to be Christmas. So that kind of helps out because it's so. It's such a busy day. I would rather not think about it, you know, like. And she would rather reminisce on that stuff. So like if it's just me pushing it aside, maybe that's my self help. I don't know when it comes to. Speaker A 00:46:34.820 - 00:46:37.820 Or maybe your grief is just in a really solid place. Speaker B 00:46:37.900 - 00:46:39.260 Yeah, maybe it is. Speaker A 00:46:39.260 - 00:47:00.060 You know, there are years. My dad died October 27th of 04. There are years that I am a puddle and I'm angry at everyone, angry at the world because my dad is gone. And there are other years that I think about it for a second and I move on with my day and my time. Speaker B 00:47:00.060 - 00:47:37.050 Yeah. Isn't it weird how it can strike and hit you at different times and maybe because this year, because we just had Christmas, what last week. Now having my mom where she is. My mom's got brain cancer and whatever, but having her where she is. It struck a different chord with me this year. Like, yes, Christmas was my dad's birthday, but I've also like this Christmas is so different. Like I'm praying that it's not our last one. Speaker A 00:47:37.130 - 00:47:37.530 Right. Speaker B 00:47:37.690 - 00:47:53.360 I'm with her. But yeah, it struck me differently. Like the night Christmas Eve, I was kind of a basket case and just let myself. I went to bed early and let myself had a little cry sesh and maybe that's my self care. Speaker A 00:47:53.520 - 00:47:54.240 There you go. Speaker B 00:47:54.320 - 00:47:54.800 Yeah. Speaker A 00:47:54.960 - 00:47:57.120 Crying into your huge pillow. Speaker B 00:47:57.360 - 00:48:05.640 Oh, it is huge. I love it. Yeah. Did you make wet spots get a. I would say so because it's a nice feel. Speaker A 00:48:05.640 - 00:48:06.720 It wasn't from the drool. Speaker B 00:48:06.960 - 00:48:08.800 Wasn't from the drool. This time. Okay. Yeah. Speaker A 00:48:08.880 - 00:48:10.480 You know what I have to say about that? Speaker B 00:48:10.640 - 00:48:11.040 What? Speaker A 00:48:13.130 - 00:48:16.970 I love you. I love you so much. Speaker B 00:48:20.170 - 00:48:25.770 Thank you. All right, so I hope that gives you a little insight. Speaker A 00:48:27.530 - 00:48:30.970 That was awesome. That was a hot mess. And it was exactly. Speaker B 00:48:31.370 - 00:48:32.930 Hot mess Express. Like we are. Speaker A 00:48:32.930 - 00:48:45.250 Exactly. I couldn't have asked for anything better. But yeah, come back. We've got messages. We've got messages of hope. We are trying to be happy just like everybody else is. And I think that's huge. Speaker B 00:48:45.330 - 00:48:45.770 Yeah. Speaker A 00:48:45.770 - 00:48:47.810 Let's talk about it. Get it out there. Speaker B 00:48:47.970 - 00:48:54.690 Be real. Be gritty. Yep. Be pity. Pretty pity. Oh, shoot. Speaker A 00:48:55.410 - 00:48:56.530 Pissy but pretty. Speaker B 00:48:56.530 - 00:48:59.490 Pissy but pretty. That's the way to do it. Speaker A 00:48:59.490 - 00:49:00.610 That is the way to do it. Speaker B 00:49:00.850 - 00:49:04.370 Come back for episode two deuces. Speaker A 00:49:05.570 - 00:49:14.700 Thanks for letting us tickle your ear hole and not turning us off after the first 30 seconds. Don't forget to subscribe and join our email list to get in on the action.
