A powerful dive into food, sex, and alcohol addiction through the lens of trauma, loss, and emotional healing. A must-read for recovery seekers.
This episode offers a raw and often unflinching look at the intersection of trauma, self-worth, and addiction—particularly as they relate to food, alcohol, and sex. What emerges is a deeply human narrative that frames addiction not as a disease of the weak, but as a survival response to compounding grief, loss, and societal conditioning. After facing fertility challenges, financial instability, and the deaths of both a parent and in-law, the speaker’s coping mechanisms collapsed into compulsive eating and drinking. Emotional pain, repressed grief, and social performance fueled her growing dependency on substances and food for comfort and control.
The story doesn’t rely on a single rock-bottom moment. Instead, it presents addiction as a slow erosion of boundaries and identity. The speaker and her husband found solace in food and alcohol, bonding over their shared exhaustion and sorrow. But what began as shared coping escalated into codependency, where enabling became part of the intimacy. Partying replaced processing. Ice cream replaced introspection. Alcohol became the gateway not only to socialization but to an altered self—the version who was funnier, sexier, and more easily loved.
Compounding the physical dependencies were deep sexual wounds—some inflicted by others, and others self-perpetuated through disassociation. Sexual trauma, including molestation and rape, left scars that normalized blackout intimacy and made sober sex nearly impossible. The body was not a sacred space, but a battlefield—used for attention, traded for validation, and dissociated from entirely. Sober reflection later reveals just how entrenched these patterns became, often masked as empowerment or choice but rooted in unresolved pain and a fractured sense of worth.
This story is not a cautionary tale—it is a healing framework. What the speaker ultimately shows is that emotional addiction is not about lacking willpower but lacking connection—to the self, to safe relationships, to one’s truth. Through honesty, accountability, and humor, she reclaims her agency and reframes her past. What began in chaos concludes with clarity: self-worth is not a reward for perfection, but a birthright that must be reclaimed.
Meet the Expert
Emily Baggen is a self-described recovery realist and emotional sobriety advocate. With lived experience in binge eating disorder, alcohol dependency, and dissociative sexual patterns, she brings a grounded, trauma-informed voice to conversations on addiction and recovery. Her insights reflect not only her personal journey but a nuanced understanding of emotional resilience, codependency dynamics, and post-traumatic growth. Emily is not just speaking from memory—she’s speaking from hard-won transformation.
The Big Idea
When emotional pain goes unspoken, it finds expression in behaviors—often ones we later shame. From the outside, addiction can look like a series of bad decisions. But from within, it’s a tangled response to grief, trauma, and chronic invalidation. Whether it’s the numbing of alcohol, the comfort of food, or the illusion of control in sex, these are all manifestations of one core wound: the belief that we are not enough as we are. Rebuilding from that requires not just sobriety, but radical self-trust.
Key Takeaways
- Trauma Fuels Compulsion
Unprocessed grief, loss, and early sexual trauma lay the groundwork for later addictions to food, alcohol, and chaotic intimacy. - Sober Sex Is Scarce When Consent Is Complicated
Many survivors dissociate from their bodies during intimacy. Sobriety often becomes the first time they reconnect with agency in sexual experiences. - Addiction Thrives in Codependency
Shared substance use can masquerade as bonding. But often, it’s a cycle of mutual enabling that keeps both parties stuck. - Self-Blame Keeps Trauma Hidden
Victim-blaming narratives (“What was I wearing?” or “I was drunk anyway”) prevent many survivors from acknowledging their own violation—sometimes for decades. - Emotional Sobriety Is the Real Goal
Quitting drinking is only the start. Real healing begins with confronting the stories we’ve told ourselves about our worth, our bodies, and our past.
Tools, Strategies, or Frameworks Mentioned
- “Blackout Identity Dissociation”
The speaker describes blackout drinking as a way to create an alternate identity—one that could perform, flirt, or have sex without emotional presence. Recognizing this pattern is key to post-traumatic integration. - Post-Loss Repression Response
The dual loss of her father and mother-in-law, coupled with financial ruin, triggered a collapse into binge behaviors. Naming this sequence helped her reframe addiction not as failure, but as reaction. - Sexual Shame Reframing
Through therapy and peer support, both speakers begin to untangle the difference between sexual agency and sexual self-abandonment—a crucial distinction for survivors navigating recovery.
Final Thoughts
“You are who you are today because you felt worthless. And that’s the point and the purpose—redemption.”
This episode offers no tidy endings—only bold beginnings. Through vulnerability and levity, it reminds us that shame loses its power in the presence of truth. Whether you’re healing from food addiction, alcohol misuse, or years of repressed trauma, you are not alone. You are not broken. You are rebuilding.
Full Transcript Below
Speaker A 00:00:00.240 - 00:00:11.680 I would act a fool and I would make up stories. Oh, my God. You can't believe a word I say when I'm drunk. I don't. I don't know. I think I am. Speaker B 00:00:12.000 - 00:00:13.840 I couldn't tell you a damn thing. Speaker A 00:00:19.680 - 00:00:46.920 Hello and welcome to Pissy But Pretty, a show about hindsight, hope, tangents and cuss words. We are your hosts. Party tricks turned. Semi responsible women. I am your host, Heather Cairns and Emily Baggen. Pissy but pretty. Episode 69. Oh, no. Oops, we met. Speaker B 00:00:46.920 - 00:00:48.600 Episode 7, dinner for two. Speaker A 00:00:49.080 - 00:00:53.450 Terrible view. We're not. Can you imagine if we have 69 episodes, people? Speaker B 00:00:53.450 - 00:00:55.930 I'm gonna celebrate. I'm gonna dress up for that. Speaker A 00:00:55.930 - 00:00:57.410 I don't think people like us that much. Speaker B 00:00:57.810 - 00:01:03.170 Oh, I don't care. Yeah, I still just want to talk about it. I have a microphone. I can do what I want. Speaker A 00:01:03.170 - 00:01:08.050 Yeah, that's true. Listen to me. I'm important. I got a microphone and business cards. Speaker B 00:01:11.090 - 00:01:12.050 Moving on. We're. Speaker A 00:01:12.050 - 00:01:25.520 Oh, yeah, now we're going into. Well, we'll talk about our party days, but we'll talk about food addiction. So with my large self. Speaker B 00:01:25.600 - 00:01:26.960 Large and in charge. Speaker A 00:01:27.040 - 00:02:01.140 In charge, Marge. So I think I started letting myself get super duper duper bad after I got married. I was 30. My husband was 36. We had a rough go of it. The first four years were kind of like the years we always say, if we could make it through that, we can make it through anything. So. So we got married in June of 2008, and I was not there. You were not there. I can't even get over that. Isn't that weird? Speaker B 00:02:01.220 - 00:02:03.260 I was an addict. I was an addict at that point. Speaker A 00:02:03.260 - 00:05:08.830 It's all right, Becca. Oh, no. Becca was gonna be there, but she texted me the night before anyways, so we. I know. Follow my brain. Follow my brain, will you? Okay, so. And we found out, like, two months after we got married. My parents sat us all down, the five of us kids, our spouses or significant others at the time, and told us that in May, the month before we had gotten married, that my dad had been diagnosed with als. He had been slurring his words a lot, and he just always said, like, his tongue felt thick. And I remember him, like, saying that he didn't want to give a speech at the wedding because he didn't want people to think he was really drunk because of the way he was talking. And, like, you could understand him if you knew him well, but he was afraid people wouldn't be able to understand him. So he had Thought, or my mom had thought he possibly had a stroke. So they took him in the month before our wedding and ended up not being a stroke, diagnosing him with als. And they wanted to wait till after we got married to tell us, which I appreciate. And then two months after his, they told us about his diagnosis or it might have been the month later. Anyways, my mother in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. So my husband and I decided at the time we were going to wait to try to have kids. But let's do this while our parents are still here and whatever. We ended up having a tough time conceiving. Never thought we would. My husband had two girls already, so it just was what it was. And so after about two years of trying, we started going to see a fertility doctor. All of that good stuff. Finally we get pregnant. We decided though in doing this because it's so flipping expensive in Wisconsin at the time was one of five states that didn't require their insurance to cover. Oh hey, yeah, infertility. So we had decided it was so important to us that we were going to spend our savings in trying to get pregnant. Yeah. So expensive. So unfortunately, when I was five months pregnant, my mother in law lost her battle with pancreatic cancer. Then my dad passed away when Parker was 10 months old. So they got to meet. It was awesome. We have lots of pictures of him sitting on my dad's lap as a baby, rolling him around in the wheelchair. So, so cute. Speaker B 00:05:11.310 - 00:05:16.110 Then two devastating diseases, devastating losses. Speaker A 00:05:16.190 - 00:05:16.670 Yeah. Speaker B 00:05:17.310 - 00:05:19.630 With good stuff happening in between. Speaker A 00:05:19.950 - 00:05:35.870 Yeah. Right. It was an emotional roller coaster for sure. That's a lot. But then while all of this was going on, economy took a crash. All of that. My husband lost his job. Speaker B 00:05:36.340 - 00:05:36.660 Yeah. Speaker A 00:05:36.980 - 00:05:46.660 And here we were, new house, pregnant. I was two weeks pregnant. Found out I was pregnant. Two weeks later, my husband loses his job. Speaker B 00:05:46.660 - 00:05:47.300 Jesus. Speaker A 00:05:47.940 - 00:05:52.660 It kind of ended up being a blessing in disguise. His dad had passed away when he was 15. Speaker B 00:05:52.900 - 00:05:53.460 Yeah. Speaker A 00:05:53.860 - 00:06:00.740 So. And he's an only child. He was able to stay with his mom while she was on hospice. So. Speaker B 00:06:01.220 - 00:06:02.340 Because he lost his job. Speaker A 00:06:02.340 - 00:06:03.420 Because he lost his job. Speaker B 00:06:03.420 - 00:06:03.860 Got it. Speaker A 00:06:03.860 - 00:06:49.460 So. So little silver lining was he was able to be there with her. I was still working, but I had just started renting a chair. So I was still trying to get my business up and running. And unfortunately we ended up losing our home, going on food stamps. I mean, as I'm pregnant, as all of this is happening, actually I think we ended up losing our home after Parker was born. Because it takes a while for Them to take it from you. But, you know, had we known Digger was going to lose his job, would we have spent our savings on fertility treatments? Heck, no. But we also wouldn't have our son. Speaker B 00:06:49.460 - 00:06:50.980 Exactly. Exactly. Speaker A 00:06:50.980 - 00:07:34.390 So it's like, okay, everything does happen for a reason. It ends up working out. But I think in all of that, the constant disappointment, the loss of my dad, the loss of my mother in law, the loss of money, the loss of our home, the eating became unreal, the drinking became unreal. We would find comfort in just like, we had this road together, but we also, like, found comfort in food. He got bigger than ever. He was drinking more than ever. He also is a very social person. Speaker B 00:07:34.550 - 00:07:35.430 Yeah, he is. Speaker A 00:07:35.510 - 00:07:44.110 And together we would go out and be like, you know, have a couple drinks and then we never wanted to go home. Speaker B 00:07:44.110 - 00:07:44.470 Right. Speaker A 00:07:44.470 - 00:07:47.910 We loved a good party. Yeah. So. Yeah. Speaker B 00:07:47.910 - 00:07:49.590 Even if it wasn't that good of a party. Speaker A 00:07:49.670 - 00:07:50.150 Yeah. Speaker B 00:07:50.150 - 00:07:51.590 You guys party like it was. Speaker A 00:07:51.590 - 00:07:53.100 Yeah. We made it good. Speaker B 00:07:53.100 - 00:07:53.580 Yeah. Speaker A 00:07:53.580 - 00:08:01.780 Yeah. So then, you know, like. And I remember like being like, oh, I'm gonna go on a diet. And then I could really go for some ice cream. Speaker B 00:08:01.780 - 00:08:02.100 Yeah. Speaker A 00:08:02.100 - 00:08:03.980 He'd be like, oh, where do you want? I'll go get it. Speaker B 00:08:04.140 - 00:08:04.540 Right. Speaker A 00:08:04.540 - 00:08:11.420 And that's such a catch 22 for a man. Right. Like, you're not supposed to let me have ice cream, but if you were to deny me too. Speaker B 00:08:11.500 - 00:08:12.460 What are you saying? I'm fat? Speaker A 00:08:12.460 - 00:08:35.310 Yeah. Right. So, yeah. The constant feeling worthless, the constant disappointment, the just hard situation. Life was at that time. I let my weight go, I let my drinking go. I mean, holy crap. Speaker B 00:08:35.470 - 00:08:35.950 Yeah. Speaker A 00:08:36.430 - 00:08:41.070 So I feel like that's when I became the worst of the worst. Speaker B 00:08:41.390 - 00:08:51.470 And we just like a thought, we sort of reconnected then, like, Jonah was born in 2010. Speaker A 00:08:51.550 - 00:08:57.430 Yep. And I remember seeing him when you came home from the hospital and the. Speaker B 00:08:57.430 - 00:09:07.790 Four of us, you and your husband, me and now my husband became very close and we drank these bars dry. Speaker A 00:09:08.110 - 00:09:18.120 Oh, do you remember ordering shots? My dear friend Tori. Tori, I love you. She's so patient. Speaker B 00:09:18.360 - 00:09:19.160 Yes, she is. Speaker A 00:09:19.240 - 00:09:23.160 She. I remember we were out one night, so hammered. Speaker B 00:09:23.320 - 00:09:23.840 Yeah. Speaker A 00:09:23.840 - 00:09:29.800 And I said, tori, we need some fireball shots. She goes, what's wrong with the ones in front of you? Speaker B 00:09:30.040 - 00:09:33.560 Right? They were lined up. Just lined, lined up. Speaker A 00:09:34.440 - 00:09:42.910 Oh, my God, that was such a fun night. And your poor husband had to get on a flight to Belgium the next day. How he did that? That's because he's younger. Speaker B 00:09:42.910 - 00:09:45.110 And I broke my thumb. Oh, yeah. He's younger than. Speaker A 00:09:45.110 - 00:09:50.110 Oh, yeah, you woke up with crazy bruises. Speaker B 00:09:50.110 - 00:09:53.870 I fell again. Yeah, I fell again. Yeah. I busted my thumb. It's never been the same. Speaker A 00:09:54.670 - 00:09:55.590 You got a trigger finger? Speaker B 00:09:55.590 - 00:09:58.590 I can't even hitchhike. Ridiculous. Speaker A 00:09:58.590 - 00:10:01.390 Nobody wants to pick you up. Yeah, I would. I would. Speaker B 00:10:01.790 - 00:10:02.550 You fucking would. Speaker A 00:10:02.550 - 00:10:04.150 Do you have a car seat in there for me? Speaker B 00:10:04.150 - 00:10:05.510 I do. Five point harness. Speaker A 00:10:05.510 - 00:10:07.030 Yeah. You need one. Speaker B 00:10:07.030 - 00:10:08.590 It's the height, not the weight, right? Speaker A 00:10:08.890 - 00:10:21.610 Mm. But, yeah, we would. So our. Like, our partying days. Our part. Can I. Have I told my favorite Emily story? Speaker B 00:10:21.850 - 00:10:27.210 Have you told that? I don't. Oh, I don't know. I don't think you have. Maybe you have. Pour some sugar on me. Speaker A 00:10:27.690 - 00:10:28.570 We were. Speaker B 00:10:29.370 - 00:10:30.170 Oh, my God. Speaker A 00:10:30.570 - 00:10:37.780 My favorite Emily story. We weren't married young, 20s. We were at the bar. Yeah. Speaker B 00:10:37.780 - 00:10:41.140 It was one of my visits back to Oconomowoc. Speaker A 00:10:41.140 - 00:10:41.500 Yeah. Speaker B 00:10:41.500 - 00:10:42.420 One of my visits. Speaker A 00:10:42.660 - 00:11:03.890 And we thought we were coyote ugly. I was dancing on the bar, and I don't know, in my head, this is how it went. We are dancing on the bar, and Emily dances herself right off the bar. I did. And I feel like everything went quiet. Speaker B 00:11:03.970 - 00:11:05.090 It was crickets. Speaker A 00:11:05.090 - 00:11:12.530 Like, the music stopped. And all of a sudden, everyone's like. And you just stood up. Oh, no. Speaker B 00:11:13.170 - 00:11:13.970 I had two beers. Speaker A 00:11:13.970 - 00:11:19.170 Two beer bottles. You didn't even spill them. I have not been more proud of you in my life. Speaker B 00:11:20.770 - 00:11:22.610 It was a long way for me to fall. Speaker A 00:11:22.690 - 00:11:23.530 Oh, my gosh. Speaker B 00:11:23.530 - 00:11:36.150 It was a bar, and we were doing Def Leppard. Pour some sugar on me. And I'm just like, ah, soup. I landed on my knees. Somebody tried to touch my armpits and pick me up. And it was so soft. Speaker A 00:11:36.630 - 00:11:37.790 It wasn't my face. No. Speaker B 00:11:37.790 - 00:11:38.990 I had to protect my beard. Speaker A 00:11:38.990 - 00:11:39.910 Oh, my God. Speaker B 00:11:40.070 - 00:11:47.590 I did it. It was amazing. And I looked at Rebecca, and I'm like, I'm fucking mortified. She's like, ha ha ha. And that was. Speaker A 00:11:48.870 - 00:11:51.270 Was like. That was just Emily. That was just Emily. Speaker B 00:11:52.070 - 00:11:53.510 Yeah, I fell down a lot. Speaker A 00:11:53.990 - 00:11:56.070 Yeah, but at least you didn't break your moneymaker. Speaker B 00:11:56.070 - 00:12:00.670 When I would fall, I remembered I had hands to catch my hands. Speaker A 00:12:01.630 - 00:12:03.390 Timber. Timber. Speaker B 00:12:03.550 - 00:12:03.950 Right? Speaker A 00:12:04.270 - 00:12:09.630 Yeah. Fell right. Going out the bar once. Had road rash all over my face. Speaker B 00:12:09.790 - 00:12:10.670 Busted teeth. Speaker A 00:12:10.990 - 00:12:13.190 Busted my teeth up. Had to get. Speaker B 00:12:13.190 - 00:12:14.590 You looked like Lloyd Christmas. Speaker A 00:12:14.590 - 00:12:25.910 Oh, my God. At least I didn't lose any. But I did have to get a crown. I had a bunch of cracks in my teeth. Oh, God, why didn't I remember? I. Speaker B 00:12:25.910 - 00:12:50.070 Black eyes, bleeding bloody. I remember the pictures you used to send me, like, the next day, and I'd be like, when the hell did that happen? But we never stopped drinking. At least I never did. And it just. The party kept going. And we would separate and I think we would still keep partying. And we would get those pictures of busted hands, broken bones, bruises that we didn't know where they came from. Speaker A 00:12:50.310 - 00:12:57.200 Oh, God, no. I remember finding pictures in my phone the next day. And we were having so much fun. Speaker B 00:12:57.280 - 00:12:58.000 So much fun. Speaker A 00:12:58.000 - 00:13:01.280 Until the next day and hangxiety set in. Speaker B 00:13:02.080 - 00:13:07.040 Four day hangovers. The stress and the. Speaker A 00:13:07.040 - 00:13:09.280 What did I do? What did I say? Speaker B 00:13:09.360 - 00:13:09.920 Yep. Speaker A 00:13:10.080 - 00:13:25.500 You know how they say the truth comes out when you're drunk? Sure, for me that might have been true up into a point. But then I would make shit up. I would act a fool and I would make up stories. Speaker B 00:13:25.820 - 00:13:26.700 I love that. Speaker A 00:13:26.780 - 00:13:33.100 Oh my God. You can't believe a word I say when I'm drunk. I don't know. I think I am. Speaker B 00:13:33.500 - 00:14:07.010 I couldn't tell you a damn thing. I thought it was very funny. I thought it was really funny. But I always, always forgot that I was with someone. My friends. I would forget that I was in a relationship. I think that was sort of. That was a huge pattern for me. Sex was an addiction as well. Because I felt so in control. I did what I wanted with my body. So it was. I was not a good, faithful person. Back when I was drinking, I was a mess. I was a mess. Speaker A 00:14:07.250 - 00:14:30.190 Well. And Digger would always say. My husband, if I haven't said that before, Kevin, he would always say I would get so flirty when I was drunk. And I think. Cause that was always just the old me seeking for attention from anyone or everyone that would get right. So, yeah, I could be so disrespectful. And we would be so mean to our poor husbands. Speaker B 00:14:30.510 - 00:14:49.310 Yes. It got to the point where Rick, my husband, would know exactly what I was gonna say, what I was gonna start accusing him of on the ride home, you know, because that's what drunks are. I mean, addicts, I suppose, to an extent, and I mean this with the utmost respect, are a little pathetic. They're a little. Woe is me. Speaker A 00:14:49.790 - 00:14:51.550 It's always somebody else's fault. Speaker B 00:14:51.630 - 00:15:05.170 There's some shit you've got to blame. I can't look inside myself and face what's going on. Because that motherfucker is ugly. And I'm going to blame you. And it's going to be you, it's going to be my friend. Speaker A 00:15:05.170 - 00:15:07.410 I'm going to project her onto you. Speaker B 00:15:07.410 - 00:15:12.650 Everybody, it was everybody else's fault that I was a Mess. It was horrible. Speaker A 00:15:12.970 - 00:15:13.770 It was horrible. Speaker B 00:15:14.090 - 00:15:25.690 You have to take that accountability. And I think that is the reason why that cycle for both of us lasted so, so much longer. You've gotta face it head on and you gotta beat the shit out of it. Speaker A 00:15:25.690 - 00:15:45.250 And I don't like that, Heather. I don't like the things I used to do. It's embarrassing, it's gross, it's mean. It's literally like. I think now, I mean, and Digger will even say this for me, having sex was a drunk thing. Speaker B 00:15:45.250 - 00:15:47.960 Oh, of course. I never had sex sober. Speaker A 00:15:48.040 - 00:15:48.360 I know. Speaker B 00:15:48.360 - 00:15:55.720 I never once in my life, until I was pregnant with my child at 30 years old had I ever had sex sober. Speaker A 00:15:56.040 - 00:16:13.560 Yeah, I could probably. I think there are two men, one of which being my husband, that I have had sex with sober. And that's crazy sad because we've got sexual problems. I mean. Speaker B 00:16:13.720 - 00:16:29.620 I mean, back in the day, you were raped. This was horrific. This was horrible. I was molested. It was something violating and awful with something that's supposed to be so wonderful and natural. So I couldn't. I didn't know how even. Speaker A 00:16:30.260 - 00:17:16.320 Right. Well. And my relationship with men has always been horrible. Like my very popular. Yeah, right. Like I just feel like it started for instance when I was like freshman or sophomore. I remember this guy asking me out and he was like a big baseball stud. My dad was really into baseball. So when I told him that this senior had asked me out, my dad was so excited. Cause this big baseball star had asked me out and he's like, you want to come over to my parents house and we'll watch a movie? And like, yep, anything but a scary movie. Dude rented Hand that Rocks the Cradle probably from the Blockbuster Family Dollar. Speaker B 00:17:16.480 - 00:17:17.120 Family video. Speaker A 00:17:17.200 - 00:17:19.920 Family video. And we're in. Speaker B 00:17:20.400 - 00:17:21.760 I don't know. Is it scary? Speaker A 00:17:22.160 - 00:17:24.880 Hand the Rocks Cradle. You've never seen it? Rebecca De Mornay? Speaker B 00:17:24.880 - 00:17:25.200 No. Speaker A 00:17:25.360 - 00:17:26.720 Oh my God, it's so good. Speaker B 00:17:26.720 - 00:17:27.360 Okay. Speaker A 00:17:27.600 - 00:17:50.490 So good. You gotta see it. Scary, but yeah, scary. And I remember we're in his parents basement and we're like having a makeout sesh. And I'm like, straight out of St. Paul's. Yeah. And I'm like straight out of St. Paul's and he tries going up my shirt. I stop him and he immediately turns off the TV and is like, I'm taking you home now. Speaker B 00:17:50.570 - 00:17:51.290 Oopsies. Speaker A 00:17:51.610 - 00:18:19.160 And that was that. And then I remember going to a school dance with a friend of mine. Him and I went to St. Paul's together and he ditched me at the dance. We Were on a double date with my friend, and her boyfriend ditched me at the dance for a girl that he liked. Which, fine, we weren't. I wasn't interested in him. He was interested in this other girl. But you ditched me. Speaker B 00:18:19.160 - 00:18:19.560 Right? Speaker A 00:18:19.560 - 00:18:51.380 So we tried ditching him, Leaving the dance and walking to my friend's house to go hang out. Well, he comes running out. He's like, heather, you can't leave me. Our moms would be so mad. So he comes back to her. My friend's house. And then he tries making out with me and stuff. Like, right after that, I don't know if he thought he was gonna get busy, but, like, you couldn't give me any attention at the dance in public. And now that we're not there, like, gross. And then. Speaker B 00:18:53.220 - 00:19:03.680 That's hilarious. I was the yes. I was the yes girl. And I thought it was empowering. I thought it was. Is. This is my choice? So I never said no. Speaker A 00:19:03.760 - 00:19:04.720 Oh, my God. Speaker B 00:19:05.360 - 00:19:29.900 And I. I thought it was the shit. And I thought that made me so powerful to be in control of my sexuality with people. So, I mean, obviously I never said no. It was disgusting. I preferred the one night stands to be men that were married. There's the shower and there's the towel. Get out of my house. When in reality it is the exact opposite. Yeah, you are a doormat. Speaker A 00:19:30.220 - 00:19:30.780 Ugh. Speaker B 00:19:30.860 - 00:19:32.380 Yeah, I was a doormat. Speaker A 00:19:32.380 - 00:20:03.440 And I just feel like. Yeah. Like, I always, like, then I always just thought you were wanting something from me. I was, like, seeing a guy my senior year of high school. He tried to have sex with me. I wouldn't have sex with him. And then he, like, didn't want to talk to me anymore either. And I went up to college and I remember this guy. This was really dumb. Girls don't do this at a house party. This guy I didn't know offers to walk me home. He was like, friends of friends. Speaker B 00:20:03.440 - 00:20:03.840 Sure. Speaker A 00:20:03.840 - 00:20:09.600 He walked me back to the dorm, and the next day we had sex. Speaker B 00:20:09.760 - 00:20:10.320 Okay. Speaker A 00:20:10.320 - 00:20:32.690 He had told everyone that we had had sex. And I was like, well, that didn't happen because I'm still a virgin. And I remember putting him in his place at another house party. I went up to him to respect, like, can I talk to you outside? Pull them outside. And I'm like, what are you telling people? Why are you telling people that? You know, that didn't happen. Speaker B 00:20:32.850 - 00:20:33.570 That girl. Speaker A 00:20:33.650 - 00:20:34.570 Oh, I was gonna. Speaker B 00:20:34.570 - 00:20:36.130 It's like a sitcom show. Speaker A 00:20:36.210 - 00:20:36.770 Oh, my. Speaker B 00:20:36.770 - 00:20:44.530 There's always punky Brewster dating a man or dating a boy. And he told her, I don't want to be punky. No, you don't. Speaker A 00:20:44.530 - 00:20:47.650 But I was like, what? Yeah, okay. She was so cool. Speaker B 00:20:47.650 - 00:20:48.130 Yeah. Speaker A 00:20:48.130 - 00:21:22.990 But I was like, what are you doing? Like, you know, that didn't happen. And he tried to punk me, actually, by walking in and. Cause he was like, I'm really sorry. I don't know why I said that. But then as we're walking in, he starts, like, yelling at me. What I didn't know was, like, my close guy friends were, like, watching out the window, and they were like, oh, no, no, no. Don't you come in here acting a fool when Heather just had you making snow, Ang. And so, like, I just always felt like guys only wanted one thing from me. Speaker B 00:21:22.990 - 00:21:23.550 They did. Speaker A 00:21:23.550 - 00:21:37.230 And I hated that feeling. Oh. And so I loved it then. And I think. I don't know why. Like, I wasn't gonna let you have that. I wasn't gonna let you win. I wasn't gonna let you win my badge. Speaker B 00:21:37.310 - 00:21:41.630 I did. I gave it to everybody. Maybe that's why we fell out of touch. You just wouldn't put out. Speaker A 00:21:42.430 - 00:21:45.150 Well, if you would have asked, you know, all you gotta do is ask. Speaker B 00:21:45.940 - 00:21:47.060 I never did. I never did. Speaker A 00:21:47.860 - 00:22:07.460 But, yeah, like, I just, you know. So I think when I got drunk, then. Then I was like, well, maybe this guy. If I finally give them what I know they want, maybe this will work. And it was always like, ugh, hurry up and get dressed and let me go home. Speaker B 00:22:07.620 - 00:22:09.180 Oh, I was the best at it. Speaker A 00:22:09.180 - 00:22:11.300 Oh, God. I would be like. Speaker B 00:22:11.300 - 00:22:13.410 At least I think I was. Really? Speaker A 00:22:13.410 - 00:22:19.930 No, but it was like, something about the sober sex. It would turn you into an acrobat and, like. Speaker B 00:22:19.930 - 00:22:20.650 Drunk sex. Speaker A 00:22:20.890 - 00:22:21.650 Drunk sex. Speaker B 00:22:21.650 - 00:22:22.250 Oh, yeah. Speaker A 00:22:22.570 - 00:22:23.450 Did I say sober sex? Speaker B 00:22:23.450 - 00:22:24.090 You said sober sex. Speaker A 00:22:24.090 - 00:22:27.050 Oh, I'm sorry. Drunk sex. Drunk sex made me like. Speaker B 00:22:27.050 - 00:22:29.650 You were flexible, you were nimble, didn't. Speaker A 00:22:29.650 - 00:22:32.650 Care what was sagging, where, what was. Speaker B 00:22:32.650 - 00:22:34.250 Like, sweating on em. Speaker A 00:22:34.490 - 00:22:35.050 Yeah. Speaker B 00:22:35.130 - 00:22:38.170 And it didn't matter. You spit in your mouth. All right. Speaker A 00:22:38.490 - 00:22:44.080 But then don't you think, like, sometimes I think now I was black. At what? Speaker B 00:22:44.320 - 00:22:48.400 Sorry. I don't know. I said, let me spit in your mouth. Oh, did you? Speaker A 00:22:48.400 - 00:22:52.640 I didn't even realize. Sorry. Sorry about that. Spit in your mouth. Ew. Speaker B 00:22:52.640 - 00:22:54.080 It's drunk sex. We do whatever. Speaker A 00:22:54.640 - 00:22:55.240 Okay. Speaker B 00:22:55.240 - 00:22:56.400 There's so many holes. Speaker A 00:22:58.880 - 00:22:59.400 Anyway. Speaker B 00:22:59.400 - 00:23:02.480 Why is my ear sticky? Whoops. Speaker A 00:23:06.000 - 00:23:09.360 But I just, like, now when I think about it. Speaker B 00:23:11.140 - 00:23:12.020 Hi. Sure. Speaker A 00:23:12.180 - 00:23:22.180 Was it a fresh moment? Okay. Girl on girl. But don't you wonder, like, I think of, like, blackout. Heather? Speaker B 00:23:22.660 - 00:23:23.220 Yeah. Speaker A 00:23:23.700 - 00:23:33.780 How is that, like, why would you want to have sex with that girl? Like, I mean, it was gross. I would probably, like, vomit off the side of the bed. Speaker B 00:23:33.860 - 00:23:35.620 You weren't a puker, were you? I was. Speaker A 00:23:35.620 - 00:23:40.870 Usually the next morning is when I would. But, like, I think about, like, yeah. Speaker B 00:23:40.870 - 00:24:00.950 But we don't know how we were when we were blackout drunk. This is something that I had to get square with with my therapist. It was something my husband now had to kind of get square with. I will never remember that. Yeah, I don't know who blackout Emily was. I don't know. And I did it every single time. Speaker A 00:24:00.950 - 00:24:01.510 Yeah. Speaker B 00:24:01.750 - 00:24:04.150 So you might have been a star. Speaker A 00:24:05.140 - 00:24:40.630 I have a feeling I was more like missionary porn star. Oh, I don't know. Thinking about the ceiling, like, I mean, I can't imagine if I could barely walk. Like, I mean, there are some times that I am sure. Like, I can remember bits and pieces and be like, oh, yeah, that was fun. I was like, spinner on that sucker. But then there are sometimes circus sex. But then there are some times where it's like, I couldn't have been that great. Like, why? What? Why were you not turned off by me? I don't know. I mean, I'm not saying that I said no at all. Speaker B 00:24:40.790 - 00:24:41.190 Right. Speaker A 00:24:41.190 - 00:24:44.470 No, I probably wasn't talking much at all. Speaker B 00:24:44.630 - 00:24:45.470 That doubt was not. Speaker A 00:24:45.470 - 00:24:46.870 Probably pissed in your bed. Speaker B 00:24:47.670 - 00:24:50.790 You peed. Well, I'm sure a tinkler. Speaker A 00:24:50.790 - 00:24:55.910 Dude, you know, my bladder's very weak, and especially once you break the seal. Speaker B 00:24:55.910 - 00:25:06.050 You just tell them you're a squirter and you're welcome. That just made him feel so good about himself. Yeah, I'm sure he's like, oh, yeah. Speaker A 00:25:06.450 - 00:25:07.490 Oh, my God. Speaker B 00:25:07.650 - 00:25:08.610 Things are damp. Speaker A 00:25:08.610 - 00:25:09.330 You're welcome. Speaker B 00:25:09.330 - 00:25:10.050 Things are damp. Speaker A 00:25:10.050 - 00:25:12.450 You are welcome for my low, low standards. Speaker B 00:25:13.650 - 00:25:15.730 What's your name again? Like it matters. Speaker A 00:25:16.050 - 00:25:23.490 Nice to meet you. Thanks for the ride in both ways. The ride home and. Yeah, the ride. Speaker B 00:25:23.730 - 00:25:27.490 Ew. Yeah, we were good at it. I'm sure we were. I don't know. Speaker A 00:25:27.810 - 00:25:29.010 I would like to think I was. Speaker B 00:25:29.090 - 00:25:42.270 Because, man, I can't go down like that rabbit hol of who I was when I was blackout drunk. I can't think about how awful it might have been and sloppy and gross and just icky. Speaker A 00:25:42.270 - 00:25:51.230 I like to say I don't regret anything, but if I could go back and redo some things, knowing what I know now, it's not a thing. Speaker B 00:25:51.230 - 00:25:52.790 I wouldn't change a thing. Speaker A 00:25:52.790 - 00:25:53.390 Oh, God. Speaker B 00:25:53.550 - 00:25:54.070 Nope. Speaker A 00:25:54.070 - 00:26:03.570 I don't know. I don't know. I definitely don't think I would allow myself to feel so worthless, you know? Speaker B 00:26:03.650 - 00:26:04.050 Sure. Speaker A 00:26:04.450 - 00:26:04.970 Yeah. Speaker B 00:26:04.970 - 00:26:07.130 But you are who you are today because you were worthless. Speaker A 00:26:07.130 - 00:26:07.730 That's true. Speaker B 00:26:07.890 - 00:26:15.650 Because you felt you were worthless. And that is the point and purpose of giving us microphones. Is that redemption? Speaker A 00:26:16.370 - 00:26:21.650 Oh, yeah. It doesn't have to define who you are for the rest of your life. For sure. Speaker B 00:26:21.730 - 00:26:22.130 No. Speaker A 00:26:22.130 - 00:26:28.880 Yep. I forgot to put my necklace on. Worse. Sorry that you have to stare at my non necklace. Speaker B 00:26:28.880 - 00:26:30.040 I had a pearl necklace. Speaker A 00:26:30.600 - 00:26:39.880 I just found out what that means. No, I know what it means, but not. Okay. All right, thanks for tuning in. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Speaker B 00:26:40.600 - 00:27:04.210 Thanks for letting us tickle your ear hole and not turning us off after the first 30 seconds. Don't forget to subscribe and join our email list to get in on the action. Sam.
