The journey from religious repression to drug dependence is rarely linear, but it is often rooted in emotional abandonment and spiritual disillusionment. In this raw narrative, the speaker recounts how being disfellowshipped from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, combined with the death of her father, served as a dual trigger for emotional collapse.
These events marked the unraveling of her identity and the start of a long period of substance abuse. The trauma of being exiled from both family and faith created a deep well of shame, exacerbated by the cold and isolating nature of her father’s funeral—an experience that further cemented her perceived lack of worth.
Her descent into addiction was not fueled solely by substance craving, but by an aching desire to numb the psychological torment of abandonment. What began as casual drinking spiraled into chronic drug abuse—cocaine, ecstasy, painkillers, and even heroin—interwoven with medical trauma, including sepsis and kidney failure. Throughout this period, emotional detachment, codependent relationships, and disordered sexuality were used as tools of self-destruction and control. The speaker shares how a toxic romantic partnership became both a catalyst for deeper addiction and a mirror reflecting her internalized self-loathing.
Despite the chaos, she encountered moments of potential rescue. A brief relationship with a stable, supportive firefighter represented a glimpse of a life less fractured. However, the inability to fully leave her past behind—emotionally or chemically—meant that even this healthier relationship unraveled. The speaker’s self-awareness is clear: she recognizes how trauma bonding, unresolved grief, and a relentless need for external validation shaped her behavior. Her storytelling is marked by moments of gallows humor, defiant vulnerability, and brutal honesty.
Ultimately, the story is not merely about addiction—it is about identity. It’s about what happens when a person is emotionally orphaned by the very structures meant to support them: religion, family, community. The speaker’s harrowing experiences invite broader discussions around mental health, faith-based shunning, and the complex intersections of trauma and addiction. The episode stands as a searing call for compassion, context, and the acknowledgment that healing is not always linear—but it is always possible.
Meet the Expert
Emily Baggen offers unfiltered insight into the psychological and physiological tolls of addiction. Her lived experience, layered with religious trauma, codependency, and medical crises, equips her with an embodied understanding of substance abuse patterns and emotional regulation dysfunction. Her reflections are valuable not just as a survivor, but as a witness to the systemic failures—both institutional and interpersonal—that shape the relapse-recovery cycle. Emily’s candid storytelling positions her as an expert in trauma-informed recovery narratives, especially relevant for those navigating exvangelical or post-religious trauma.
The Big Idea
Religious disconnection and emotional abandonment can catalyze a trauma loop that manifests through addiction, self-harm, and identity fragmentation. The episode uncovers how isolation from a faith-based community, compounded by family estrangement and unresolved grief, can push individuals toward self-destructive behaviors in search of numbness, control, or belonging. Addiction becomes less about physical dependency and more about psychological escape. This framework invites a reframing of recovery—not just as detoxing from substances, but as a long, nonlinear journey of self-reintegration.
Key Takeaways
- Spiritual Trauma Has Psychological Consequences
Being disfellowshipped from a religious institution like the Jehovah’s Witnesses can induce a profound loss of self, especially when coupled with familial rejection. - Addiction is Often About Numbing, Not Escaping
The descent into drugs and alcohol was a form of emotional anesthesia, used to dull the pain of abandonment, rather than recreational escapism. - Medical Crises Don’t Always Wake You Up
Even after sepsis, kidney failure, and repeated hospitalizations, addiction persisted—a testament to the strength of psychological dependency. - Codependent Relationships Can Reinforce Substance Abuse
Toxic partners, especially those embedded in similar dysfunctional systems, often act as both enablers and emotional crutches. - Healing Requires More Than Sobriety
Leaving drugs behind does not equate to emotional recovery. True healing involves rebuilding identity, reestablishing self-worth, and confronting unresolved trauma.
Tools, Strategies, or Frameworks Mentioned
- Trauma Bonding
Repeated references to violent, volatile relationships rooted in shared pain suggest a classic trauma bond dynamic—where emotional intensity is mistaken for connection. - Pain Pill Culture & Medical Enabling
The episode highlights the role of permissive doctors who overprescribe painkillers, creating pathways to opioid dependency post-medical trauma. - Sexual Empowerment as Control Mechanism
The speaker discusses leveraging sexuality—often with married men—not for intimacy, but for reclaiming agency in a life marked by emotional powerlessness. - Emotional Numbing Through Poly-Substance Use
A pattern of layering drugs (cocaine, ecstasy, Percocet, fentanyl) to stay perpetually high underscores a strategy of total disassociation.
Final Thoughts
“I prayed to die all the time… I remember her, and she was fucked up.”
This is not just a confessional—it’s a reckoning. The episode forces us to ask: how do we rebuild ourselves when every external system fails us? For anyone navigating recovery, post-religious trauma, or toxic relationships, Emily’s story is a gut-punch reminder that survival is not the same as healing. But it is the first step.
Full Transcript Below
Speaker A 00:00:00.240 - 00:00:27.130 It was dark. It was brutal. To think about the things that I did is kind of freaky. It's one of those things you're like, I remember her and she was fucked up. And the reason I did all of the things that I did was because I was so emotionally dropped by everybody and it didn't matter. I prayed to die. Speaker B 00:00:31.770 - 00:00:46.890 Hello and welcome to Pissy But Pretty. A show about hindsight, hope, tangents and cuss words. We are your hosts. Party tricks turned semi responsible women. I am your host, Heather Cairns and Emily Baggen. Speaker A 00:00:52.650 - 00:00:53.130 Hi. Speaker B 00:00:54.670 - 00:00:56.190 Hi. It's us again. Speaker A 00:00:56.350 - 00:00:57.550 Welcome back. Speaker B 00:00:58.430 - 00:01:07.390 Welcome back to our channel. Is that what it is? Look at this. Why do they always have to do that? Speaker A 00:01:07.470 - 00:01:11.230 I know. And it's like backwards. It's always backwards. I can't read that. Speaker B 00:01:11.230 - 00:01:13.550 It reminds them with their hand up behind it. Speaker A 00:01:14.030 - 00:01:18.910 That chick from like Mean Girls that had the K. Gretchen Wieners. Nope. Whatever. Speaker B 00:01:19.310 - 00:01:20.550 Okay. Anywho. Speaker A 00:01:20.550 - 00:01:22.190 Full of secrets. Oh, there goes my nose again. Speaker B 00:01:22.190 - 00:01:39.210 Welcome back to Pissy but Pretty Peasant but Proud. And we have as a nose whistle, it's kind of the best thing ever. And here we are on episode five. We made it to five. Can you believe it? Speaker A 00:01:39.210 - 00:01:39.970 I love that. Speaker B 00:01:39.970 - 00:01:41.850 I wonder if people are still listening to us. Speaker A 00:01:41.930 - 00:01:49.250 They should be. We've got great advice. We've got great stories. We're super funny and we wear nude color zip ups. Speaker B 00:01:49.250 - 00:01:54.260 We're both in earthly colors. Earth tones. Speaker A 00:01:55.140 - 00:01:58.340 Earth to Heather. I'm a wing chun tonight. Speaker B 00:01:58.900 - 00:02:00.260 Okay, everybody Wang Chung. Speaker A 00:02:00.260 - 00:02:00.740 Everybody's. Speaker B 00:02:01.300 - 00:02:05.380 We're digressing. Yeah. So in this episode. Speaker A 00:02:05.380 - 00:02:06.300 On to the next story. Speaker B 00:02:06.300 - 00:02:11.780 We're talking about partying into. Partying our way right into addiction. We did. Speaker A 00:02:11.940 - 00:02:12.820 We did that. Speaker B 00:02:13.060 - 00:02:14.100 We were really good at it. Speaker A 00:02:14.100 - 00:02:17.860 We got dedicated. Dedicated. And we just did it. Speaker B 00:02:17.940 - 00:02:18.500 Did it. Speaker A 00:02:18.580 - 00:02:20.820 Head first into the shallow end. Speaker B 00:02:21.680 - 00:02:33.760 The shallow. La la la la la la la. Any who where we left off. I'll let you talk about your addiction experience first since you both have had issues with it. Speaker A 00:02:33.920 - 00:02:34.520 Brutus. Speaker B 00:02:34.520 - 00:02:47.840 Cuz we left off in episode four talking about how you were disfellowshipped. Your dad died. You were living with the cousin on and off Roosevelt. In Roosevelt. Speaker A 00:02:47.840 - 00:02:51.950 He didn't work. Yeah, they don't work apparently. Speaker B 00:02:52.110 - 00:02:52.830 Who doesn't? Speaker A 00:02:53.070 - 00:02:57.870 Men that I chose to fuck with back in the day. Speaker B 00:02:59.630 - 00:03:00.910 You had a high standard. Speaker A 00:03:01.390 - 00:03:02.030 I did. Speaker B 00:03:02.190 - 00:03:02.830 I did. Speaker A 00:03:03.470 - 00:03:15.390 I did. So yeah, he didn't work. It was very depressing. It was very awful. He smoked weed. I found like baggies of drugs like all over our apartment. I wasn't there yet. I was just sort of drinking and miserable. Speaker B 00:03:15.550 - 00:03:16.510 Into oblivion. Speaker A 00:03:16.510 - 00:03:29.920 Into oblivion. My dad was dying, so it was one of those things that I wanted to still do well, according to how I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, I still wanted to be okay and good. Speaker B 00:03:32.480 - 00:03:38.760 Not touching drugs was. Even though you were drinking yourself into crazy towns. Speaker A 00:03:38.760 - 00:03:39.680 Crazy towns. Speaker B 00:03:39.680 - 00:03:40.960 Drugs was a no. No. Speaker A 00:03:41.360 - 00:04:46.660 Yeah, I was about like 90 pounds, just soaking wet and awful and stressed and kind of working, but it was terrible. Whatever. Anyway, so. So, yeah, he's, you know, surrounding himself with other witnesses that were disfellowshipped and were all into drugs. They would come to our apartment because they all sort of lived at home. Remember, I'm like four years younger, and the people that he hung out with were younger than him even. So these are like, what was. I was probably like 24. I don't even know. Something along those lines. He was early 20s, probably. No, it wasn't legal for him to drink Cap. Then my dad died. My dad died. He went from. It's in his liver. He was, you know, back at work at Harley Davidson for about three months, and then he was gone. And it was fucked up, that decision that one day I'm sitting with this cousin and my boyfriend in our apartment and I said, all right, let's smoke some weed. Speaker B 00:04:47.300 - 00:04:47.700 Wow. Speaker A 00:04:47.700 - 00:04:48.340 And that was it. Speaker B 00:04:48.580 - 00:04:54.740 How did you find out your dad died? Because you weren't speaking to your family at the time, right. Or your sister was talking to you? Speaker A 00:04:54.740 - 00:06:01.900 Yeah, my sister was telling me he did hospice at home at their house. So I was allowed to. I was allowed to go visit them. He was congestive heart failure, so had that, like, rattle or whatever, you know, just skinny as can be. And we decided we had been up for a couple. Couple of days, decided I was gonna go get the cousin, we were gonna go get something to eat. We were all gonna shower, basically. So my sister went next door, my mom went upstairs, I went home, and he passed. So I was at Perkins in Watertown, and I got the call. Dad's. Or got the text, he's gone. I told the cousin. I was like, my dad just died. And he was like, wow, I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, it was amazing. I went to the funeral. I got taken aside by one of the elders that was from the congregation that my d. And he said, because this is such a sad day, we've decided that people can talk to you. And at the time, I mean, looking back on that now, and as like a normal person, I should have fucking cold cocked him. Speaker B 00:06:01.980 - 00:06:04.820 Yeah, you should have should have, but I didn't. Speaker A 00:06:04.820 - 00:07:17.840 I still was in this belief that I was the worst of the worst. I was disfellowshipped. You can't get lower than that. So people were talking to me and hugging me. And I really liked your dad. And what is it, eulogy? Yugoogaly loo googoogaly. It was horrible. It had nothing about my father, nothing about his personality, nothing about him being an artist or played every instrument known to man. The sense of humor, the kindness. His dad dying when he was 14 and him rising to that occasion. How good he was to my fucking awful mother. None of that. It was all religion. We're gonna see him again. He was a good man. He's gonna be resurrected. It was so cold, so sad. And I remember sitting in that front row, staring at his turquoise high tops and just being like, what the fuck is this? Am I in the twilight zone? Nobody was crying because there's nothing about him. So I left. I got up, everyone's staring at me. My cousins, who were not witnesses, you know, coming up to me and hugging me. But my mom se us so hard from everybody. Speaker B 00:07:17.920 - 00:07:21.000 So can I just say, as you know, I'm friends with one of your cousins. Speaker A 00:07:21.000 - 00:07:21.520 You are. Speaker B 00:07:22.160 - 00:07:54.210 And she has told me how disgusted she was for you at that funeral. She said you were, like, sitting in the back, like your family wouldn't acknowledge you, and you were told you couldn't sit with them or something. And she just. She's like, Heather, it was like nothing you've ever seen before. There was just. She was missing. And then you look and she's not with anybody that she should be sitting with. Yeah, I mean, disfellowshipped. Speaker A 00:07:54.290 - 00:07:58.490 That's what it meant. You were nothing. You mean. Speaker B 00:07:58.490 - 00:08:14.470 She said that caused a big rift with. I don't know who is who, who's related to who, but that caused a big, big form of tension in your family was that funeral and how they treated you. Because it wasn't right. Speaker A 00:08:16.150 - 00:08:51.440 The cousin, you know, Katie, is my uncle. It was my mom's brother. My mom has two brothers. One is polio. The oldest and is fantastic. He's got Eric, who was the one other cousin that talked to me during the funeral. And then Katie is my uncle Bob's daughter. He's the youngest. Yeah. I wasn't allowed to sit with them. I wasn't allowed to be by anybody. And I got stared at. Like, I got up to walk out, and people just, like, stopped talking and. Because it was like standing room only, and they just Separated. And I walked to the door. Speaker B 00:08:51.440 - 00:08:52.960 I'm like, you were the leper. Speaker A 00:08:53.440 - 00:08:55.760 Yeah, but I smelled really good. Speaker B 00:08:55.760 - 00:09:00.000 I mean, I mean, yeah. Oh, God. So, yeah, okay, so. Speaker A 00:09:00.740 - 00:09:55.600 And my ex husband didn't come. The new boyfriend didn't come, didn't bother showing. Nobody from my ex husband's family bothered to show up. Nobody I thought ever loved me bothered to show up. It was brutal. Brutal. So I went home and honestly, it was probably that night that I looked at my boyfriend and was just like, all right, I. I want to die and I'm going to do it slowly and painfully. And I did. I dove in headfirst. We were smoking weed constantly. We still hung out with just witnesses. But mind you, everybody is numbing that pain from being kicked out. So the first line of cocaine I did was probably the size of an earthworm. And of course, you know me, I will not do anything half assed. You don't cleared off the table. Speaker B 00:09:55.760 - 00:10:10.800 And the first. I mean, I've never done it. I feel like it sounds painful to snort something up your nose. I really do. But the first time you're doing what I'm assuming is a lot, it was meant for Shaq. It was something that. Speaker A 00:10:13.520 - 00:11:10.900 But these also, these were friends that were friends of my ex husband. And I was nervous to see these people. And the cousin was like, it's okay. Everyone's gonna be okay. They've accepted you. And you know, and it was. He looked at me, this guy that was actually in our wedding looked at me. He's like, you ready, Emily? I was like, yep. I couldn't not be impressive because I felt like a piece of shit. And he's actually gonna be my friend now. So that's what we did. I did as many drugs as I could get my hands on. This is October. In January, I got sick. We thought it was the flu. I was throwing up in fevers and just sick as can be. And it lasted like two weeks and then it never really went away. The fever kept getting higher and higher. I remember like vomiting and like passing out in my bathroom. And the cousin came home. He wasn't home much because he was just out partying with all these vomiting. Speaker B 00:11:10.900 - 00:11:15.540 And passing out in your bathroom from the fever or the fever and being so sick. Speaker A 00:11:15.620 - 00:11:18.260 Yeah, Being so sick. Like this had gone on for like a few weeks. Speaker B 00:11:18.260 - 00:11:18.660 Sure. Speaker A 00:11:18.660 - 00:11:24.000 And he was just like tired of hanging out at home. So he was out partying. Yeah. Didn't he love me so much? Speaker B 00:11:24.160 - 00:11:24.720 So much. Speaker A 00:11:25.040 - 00:11:51.100 Yeah. He scooped me up, took me to the hospital, and I Had kidney stones. My left kidney was basically, like, dying. I had about 105 something fever, so they were, like, packing me on ice. I ended up having to get a stent in my kidney, a PICC line in my veins, because all my veins were crap from October to January. That's how hard. Speaker B 00:11:51.900 - 00:11:52.380 Dang. Speaker A 00:11:52.540 - 00:11:57.340 They found powder in the tubes of my kidney. Speaker B 00:11:58.060 - 00:11:58.860 What does that mean? Speaker A 00:11:58.860 - 00:12:20.750 I don't know. I don't know. Can't be good. I don't know. It was just, like, shut down. It was, like, closed off from all of the stones and whatever, whatever. So I had to get a stent, you know, it was awful. A couple of surgeries. So this is about two weeks. My mom never came. My sister never came. The cousin came to pick up my debit card and then left. I never saw him again. I was packed on ice. Speaker B 00:12:20.830 - 00:12:24.910 Wait, your boyfriend came to pick up your debit card because he didn't work. Speaker A 00:12:24.910 - 00:12:27.390 He didn't have any money. Yeah, he had to get money. Speaker B 00:12:27.790 - 00:12:31.750 He didn't come up to see you for any other reason but to get your debit card? Speaker A 00:12:31.750 - 00:12:45.170 I don't remember. I don't think so. I just remember that was pretty pivotal to me. I just never saw him after that. Right. Mom never came. That is something I bring up because that is not something you forgive. Speaker B 00:12:45.410 - 00:12:45.810 Right? Speaker A 00:12:46.610 - 00:12:47.570 When all of these things. Speaker B 00:12:47.570 - 00:12:48.530 Weren't you septic? Speaker A 00:12:49.010 - 00:13:01.970 Yeah, I was septic. I was dying. They sent me home for a couple of days, and then, like, the stent slipped out and everything was, like, falling apart. So I was back in the hospital for another, like, week or so. Speaker B 00:13:02.050 - 00:13:08.740 Question? Sure. Did your mom know? She did. Okay. And she still didn't come up and see you? Speaker A 00:13:08.740 - 00:13:09.100 No. Speaker B 00:13:09.180 - 00:13:10.700 Yeah. How do you get over that? Speaker A 00:13:10.700 - 00:13:47.580 How do you get over that? I was on antibiotics for four months. Through the PICC line nurse came. My inheritance came from my dad. So I did get to pay that nurse. It was a couple thousand or whatever. But then Mother's Day, which. What is that, May? In May was the first time I did ecstasy. All of my inheritance was spent on ecstasy. Every fucking weekend. I didn't give a shit. I didn't give a shit. So I would get all these kidney problems would, you know, sort of arise like, every three months. Speaker B 00:13:47.820 - 00:13:50.140 And you still had your PICC line and you did ecstasy? Speaker A 00:13:50.380 - 00:13:52.700 No, that came out after four months. In April it did? Speaker B 00:13:52.780 - 00:13:53.140 Yeah. Speaker A 00:13:53.140 - 00:13:57.380 In April, I got my PIC line out. We celebrated with ecstasy. Speaker B 00:13:57.380 - 00:13:59.980 I mean, why not go big or go home? Speaker A 00:14:00.300 - 00:14:30.600 Because sepsis is so painful in your kidneys and stones and the Doctor that came to see me, the general. General doctor, primary care physician, was really a big believer in pain pills. Came the Percocets, came that whole chestnut. I think the last prescription he gave me was like 150 percocets, and it was like two every four hours. I hid them in a chip bag so the cousin wouldn't take my pills. And that came that addiction. So. Yeah. Speaker B 00:14:30.840 - 00:14:32.520 That's why you like chips so much. Speaker A 00:14:32.680 - 00:14:33.600 I love chips. Speaker B 00:14:33.600 - 00:14:35.480 I know they're your go to snack. Speaker A 00:14:36.120 - 00:14:37.240 And Percocet. Speaker B 00:14:37.240 - 00:14:38.120 And Percocet. Speaker A 00:14:38.120 - 00:14:54.100 Holy cow. So that came my first withdrawal when I ran out of Percocets. And that was the most brutal experience. Never wanted to do that again. So I'm like, well, if you stay high in some way, shape or form, you'll never. You won't experience that. Speaker B 00:14:54.659 - 00:14:55.099 Wow. Speaker A 00:14:55.099 - 00:14:57.300 So everything and anything I could get my hands on, I did. Speaker B 00:14:57.300 - 00:14:58.820 Were you still working at this time? Speaker A 00:14:59.380 - 00:15:49.660 No. I don't even know. Some kind of disability or something I had to be on. And then just, you know, with a little bit of inheritance that I got, you know, it. They got me a little. Couple months of rent since he wasn't chipping in. Kind of got kicked out of that apartment, got sued and. Yeah, that's when I moved to Milwaukee. And I promised myself this is going to be a new beginning. I'm going to. I have to get clean. I have to figure this out. But I was so lonely. Perpetually lonely. It's amazing what not having somebody there will do to you. So I invited him back in, the boyfriend. And he was. I mean, he was my hookup for it, you know, he knew everybody that I knew. A lot of witnesses have them. Good drugs, apparently. Whoops. Who would have thought? Speaker B 00:15:49.820 - 00:15:50.300 Hmm. Speaker A 00:15:50.380 - 00:16:12.780 Yeah. So, yeah, living in Milwaukee, I hated it. It was awful. He still lived in Sullivan, so I'd always have to, like, drive back. And that's kind of when this, like, codependent, awful, trauma, bond, volatile relationship started. I am a violent person. Speaker B 00:16:14.060 - 00:16:16.380 You're so tiny. It's hard to imagine. Speaker A 00:16:16.620 - 00:16:20.540 I know. Thank you. So is Jackie Chan, though, so. Speaker B 00:16:21.020 - 00:16:21.740 That's true. Speaker A 00:16:22.060 - 00:16:40.430 And Scrappy. Scrappy. Yeah. I usually threw the first punch, I think, which is pretty terrible. So we beat the shit out of each other. Beat the hell out of each other. It was drugs, it was booze, it was partying, it was sex. Amazing, volatile, violent sex. And then beat the shit out of each other. Speaker B 00:16:40.510 - 00:16:41.710 Sounds like a good time. Speaker A 00:16:41.790 - 00:16:47.550 I know. Thinking back on it, I'm like, my God, hate sex. Speaker B 00:16:47.630 - 00:16:48.270 I don't Know. Speaker A 00:16:50.030 - 00:16:51.150 How am I not dead? Speaker B 00:16:51.150 - 00:16:53.270 Yeah. God, yeah. Speaker A 00:16:53.270 - 00:16:59.390 Beatings in the car. Like, I would want him to leave. We would be in, like, Oconomowoc, and I'd be like, get out of my car. Speaker B 00:17:00.420 - 00:17:02.020 Were you high at the time? Speaker A 00:17:02.500 - 00:17:19.940 Usually. Withdrawal. Usually, yeah. Just the withdrawal because we didn't have any money. Again, he's not working. I'm working in, like, St. Francis at that point. Whatever. Snorting drugs off bathroom floors. Throwing up a lot. I threw up a lot, which is probably bad. Gross. Anywho, that was filthy. Speaker B 00:17:20.020 - 00:17:22.020 Bathrooms, floors, at that. Speaker A 00:17:23.220 - 00:17:25.060 It's a good time. I had to get through the day. Speaker B 00:17:25.060 - 00:17:25.700 That was pre Covid. Speaker A 00:17:30.109 - 00:17:30.509 Yeah. Speaker B 00:17:31.709 - 00:17:33.189 Nowadays, we wouldn't do that. Speaker A 00:17:33.189 - 00:17:34.669 We wouldn't do that. No. Speaker B 00:17:34.749 - 00:17:37.149 We would sanitize the bathroom floor first. Speaker A 00:17:37.149 - 00:17:39.629 I did wipe it down with a paper towel. Speaker B 00:17:40.269 - 00:17:43.149 Yeah, okay. You had standards of. Speaker A 00:17:43.149 - 00:18:13.260 I did. I had really high standards, obviously. So there was a number of times when I live below my aunt, she owned a house, and I lived in one of the apartments there. So my mom and my sister came over, I think two times for, like, an intervention kind of thing. I remember his mom calling me, being like, have you seen how skinny he is? I was like, I don't even know where the fuck your kid is. You can find him and you can tell him how skinny he is. Speaker B 00:18:13.580 - 00:18:13.980 Right. Speaker A 00:18:13.980 - 00:18:18.220 Tell him I missed that dick. I didn't say that. I was ready to hurt people. Speaker B 00:18:18.780 - 00:18:23.580 Yeah, we don't care about that at that point. I'm guessing. Or I guess you do. Speaker A 00:18:23.820 - 00:18:48.300 Well, it was empowering. I was. I mean, the addiction to sex then sort of came out of, you know, feeling so awful about everything else. Every time I went out, which was quite a bit, I would meet somebody, bring them home, preferably married. There's a towel, there's the shower. Go home to your wife. You don't need to know my name. You don't need to know anything about this. I felt so empowered. Speaker B 00:18:48.830 - 00:18:50.590 You were a lady of the night by being. Speaker A 00:18:50.670 - 00:18:51.910 I didn't get paid for it. Speaker B 00:18:51.910 - 00:18:57.710 Yeah, you should have, if you're doing that at that point, have some sort of business sense. Speaker A 00:18:59.070 - 00:19:00.830 I should have. See, where were you? Speaker B 00:19:01.790 - 00:19:04.110 I could have made your whole marketing plan. Speaker A 00:19:04.270 - 00:19:04.830 Thank you. Speaker B 00:19:05.150 - 00:19:10.710 Yeah, we would have. You wouldn't need a corner. I would have, yeah. Yeah. Speaker A 00:19:10.710 - 00:20:05.970 It was. It was dark. It was brutal. To think about the things that I did is kind of freaky. It's one of those things. You're like, I remember her. I remember her, and she was fucked up. And the reason I did all of the things that I did was because I was so emotionally dropped by everybody and it didn't matter. I prayed to die all the time. All the time. You know, it was one of those things I remember, you know, being given heroin, but only been it was told after, you know, that that's what it was. I couldn't even tell you how we did it. Never did needles. But yeah, that's what that was. That's what that was. And it was like, oh, okay, whatever. I bought fentanyl patches and everything that I could get my hands on went in my body. Speaker B 00:20:06.210 - 00:20:08.800 And you prayed to die. And that is sad. Speaker A 00:20:08.800 - 00:20:14.080 I'm make this the last fucking time. Make this the last fucking time. It was horrible. Speaker B 00:20:14.080 - 00:20:15.360 So what was your out? Speaker A 00:20:17.520 - 00:20:22.160 I met a guy. I met a clean guy. Speaker B 00:20:22.320 - 00:20:23.200 Firefighter. Speaker A 00:20:23.200 - 00:20:23.880 Firefighter. Speaker B 00:20:23.880 - 00:20:24.400 Knew it. Speaker A 00:20:24.880 - 00:21:25.540 Yeah. I called Rebecca, right? I had had this violent argument with cousin for the first time. I was punched. And it was a little. I was like, holy cow. You just did that? Ah. Ew. And he left. He had my debit card and he left. Whatever. And I called Rebecca, and we were sitting at rookies in Okachi, blah, blah, blah. He was a bouncer. Beautiful. And she was sort of hitting on him. I'm telling her this is my rock bottom kind of thing. Something has to change or I'm gonna die. And of course, she was very emotional and very upset by this because she's just got the biggest heart on the planet and he walks. Whatever she starts flirting with. And yeah, we started. We exchanged phone numbers. I tried to get away from the cousin, but that pull was tough. I mean, I got evicted and I went to live with him. He invited me to live with him. He's like, here's my key. Speaker B 00:21:26.420 - 00:21:27.860 You guys were seeing each other then? Speaker A 00:21:28.660 - 00:21:33.180 Yeah, we started dating. Kind of fell hard. I always do. And I was. Speaker B 00:21:33.180 - 00:21:41.720 What did you like somebody who is giving you attention? You will fall with somebody who is showing you that. Speaker A 00:21:41.800 - 00:21:42.680 He was nice. Speaker B 00:21:43.000 - 00:21:43.560 Yeah. Speaker A 00:21:43.640 - 00:21:52.160 He remembered my birthday. I hadn't celebrated a single fucking birthday. Because you don't do that when you're a Jehovah's Witness and he wasn't. Speaker B 00:21:52.160 - 00:21:54.360 And all it took was for somebody to remember. Speaker A 00:21:54.360 - 00:22:06.180 He didn't hit me. And he remembered my birthday. He had a job and it was. His house was clean and he didn't put me in horrible situations with horrible people. Speaker B 00:22:06.340 - 00:22:07.780 He was a nice guy. I remember him. Speaker A 00:22:07.780 - 00:22:09.700 He was a nice guy. He was a good guy. Speaker B 00:22:10.100 - 00:22:11.940 Cute, too, from what I remember. Speaker A 00:22:13.060 - 00:22:14.460 Okay, he was cute. Speaker B 00:22:14.460 - 00:22:15.700 Sure, he was cute. Speaker A 00:22:15.860 - 00:22:43.700 He was cute. He had big eyebrows, whatever. But you know, he had a job. It was good. He was responsible. It was wonderful. It was fabulous. I remember we took all of my furniture from my Milwaukee apartment and. And put it in an alley. Everything I had. Because I smoked in my apartment and just let people take it. Take it. It's filthy. The memories. Bad juju out there. So much toxicity in that apartment. Speaker B 00:22:43.700 - 00:22:47.740 So you were seeing him and still seeing Cousin at the same time, just for the drugs. Speaker A 00:22:47.740 - 00:22:51.820 I was not doing anything. I just went back for the drugs. Speaker B 00:22:51.820 - 00:22:57.590 But firefighter didn't know we were doing drugs, obviously, because he was pretty straight laced. Speaker A 00:22:57.670 - 00:22:59.790 Very. He didn't even like that I smoked. Speaker B 00:22:59.790 - 00:23:00.230 Yeah. Speaker A 00:23:00.230 - 00:23:16.310 Yeah, so. But he would do, like, 48 hour shifts. What am I gonna do? I can't be alone with my head. I'm not gonna die this way. So, yeah, I would go back. I would do a lot. I would get very, very sick and then drive home and try to pretend like everything was okay. Speaker B 00:23:18.880 - 00:23:23.520 So then you quit the drugs eventually? Speaker A 00:23:23.680 - 00:23:34.719 I did. I did. But the drinking continued. But got. It got worse. It got quite a bit worse. He was in an emcee, which is a motorcycle club, and they partied. Speaker B 00:23:34.800 - 00:23:35.440 Anarchy. Speaker A 00:23:36.160 - 00:23:39.760 Oh, it so was like, I was basically Peg Bundy. Speaker B 00:23:40.320 - 00:23:43.600 Yeah, I forget her name in the show, but, yeah, who cares? She was. Speaker A 00:23:43.600 - 00:23:48.340 She was pretty cool. Pretty cool. And of course, I made an amazing impression. I'm. Speaker B 00:23:48.340 - 00:23:49.260 You have that? Speaker A 00:23:50.140 - 00:24:04.780 Of course I do. Of course I do. And I knew that. But it's also one of those things that. It's like when people first meet me, it's amazing when they get to know me. It's ugly. It's gross. Speaker B 00:24:04.780 - 00:24:07.500 It's not ugly. You feel it is. Speaker A 00:24:07.660 - 00:24:09.740 It was because I was a mess. Speaker B 00:24:10.630 - 00:24:41.040 Yeah, but if people knew why you were too scared to let most people close to you, like, if they knew the real you, they would understand why you were the hot mess you were back then. But I also feel like with you, like, when I first met you, you were larger than life. But I feel like you felt. So you had to stay that way or people weren't gonna like you. Speaker A 00:24:41.600 - 00:25:08.470 I met you pre drugs at ground zero. And then that part where I'm not in your life at all and I don't show up. I couldn't show Rebecca that. I couldn't show you that. I couldn't show them that I was with the cousin still. Because I would call, you know, the two friends that I had and be like, oh, my God, this is horrible. And they're like, so leave. But you don't want to leave. And so, yeah, you saw me pre drugs and then post. Speaker B 00:25:08.870 - 00:25:17.430 Yeah. Yeah. You were gone for a long time. You're gone. I mean, in more way than one, I guess. Yeah. Speaker A 00:25:17.590 - 00:25:28.710 In the meantime, I had been septic probably a dozen times in and out of the hospital icu. My body doesn't like drugs. I don't think. Speaker B 00:25:29.350 - 00:25:30.710 I don't think most do. Speaker A 00:25:30.790 - 00:25:35.330 Oh, I was so thin, though. Whatever. Speaker B 00:25:35.730 - 00:25:36.170 Yeah. Speaker A 00:25:36.170 - 00:25:41.410 I was sick and I waited. I waited for it. I just wanted to go. Speaker B 00:25:41.730 - 00:25:42.210 Yeah. Speaker A 00:25:42.850 - 00:25:53.490 But then I met, you know, a firefighter, and he was so nice, and it was wonderful. But things, you know, I thought they were fine, but to him, it was not good. So he dumped me. He's like, I can't fix you. Speaker B 00:25:53.810 - 00:26:15.020 Well, not a year, honestly. He had a savior complex, and there was a lot of baggage to uncover with you. But if you. For you, you were probably happier than ever because this was a normal relationship. So it was a normal man. A good man. Speaker A 00:26:15.100 - 00:26:15.980 It's a good man. Speaker B 00:26:16.300 - 00:26:35.910 But for him, he was, at that time, the best guy you had ever dated. I wonder for him if he would have said you were the biggest hot mess he had ever dated. But he wanted to save you. Sure you weren't letting that happen? Because even though it wasn't the drugs, it was the partying, it was the alcohol, it was the need of constant attention. Speaker A 00:26:36.070 - 00:26:37.590 He hated when I drank. Speaker B 00:26:37.670 - 00:26:38.150 Yeah. Speaker A 00:26:38.470 - 00:27:02.410 And I remember again, at first, it's awesome. When I drink, it's awesome. And then when you deal with it for a couple of years and you're picking up the pieces and on the receiving end of Drunk Emily, which is violent and volatile, he didn't want to hang with that. And I don't blame him. Speaker B 00:27:02.410 - 00:27:02.770 Right. Speaker A 00:27:02.770 - 00:27:03.570 I don't blame him. Speaker B 00:27:03.570 - 00:27:03.930 Right. Speaker A 00:27:05.530 - 00:27:06.330 It was awful. Speaker B 00:27:06.410 - 00:27:10.410 Yeah. Do you know whatever happened to him and cousin. Speaker A 00:27:12.250 - 00:27:13.290 Cousin's married. Speaker B 00:27:14.810 - 00:27:15.690 Still addicted. Speaker A 00:27:16.090 - 00:27:25.310 Oh, I have no idea. I don't know. I don't think so. I hope not. I hope not. He, the firefighter. Married, Kids. Speaker B 00:27:25.630 - 00:27:26.110 Nice. Speaker A 00:27:26.110 - 00:27:28.190 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaker B 00:27:28.670 - 00:27:36.390 All right, well, I think we need to end this one. We'll pick up next time and we'll dig a little deeper into dick. Speaker A 00:27:36.390 - 00:27:37.710 A little dick. Speaker B 00:27:37.710 - 00:27:57.160 A little dick. Little dick. A little chicken. Little chicken giblets. Anyways, we will dig a little deeper into. There I said it again. Into your addiction with alcohol. We'll get into my addiction with alcohol, my addiction with. Speaker A 00:27:59.480 - 00:28:00.520 Sex food. Speaker B 00:28:00.760 - 00:28:09.080 Sex food. But I don't know if it was really a sex addiction. It was just a companion addiction, I guess, when I was. Speaker A 00:28:09.160 - 00:28:10.360 Yeah, there you go. Speaker B 00:28:10.360 - 00:28:10.800 Yeah. Speaker A 00:28:10.800 - 00:28:12.760 Which is essentially what it is. Speaker B 00:28:12.840 - 00:28:14.080 Yeah, that's true. You're right. Speaker A 00:28:14.080 - 00:28:15.520 You should put a body next to you. Speaker B 00:28:15.520 - 00:28:18.000 Yeah. Oh, that sounds very Jeffrey Dahmer. Speaker A 00:28:18.400 - 00:28:19.520 I didn't eat it. Speaker B 00:28:21.040 - 00:28:30.680 Oh, I'm hungry anyway. Not for that shawarma. Anyways, we'll get into that stuff next episode. Speaker A 00:28:30.680 - 00:28:34.160 Oh, I can't wait. This is exciting. Very sweaty. Speaker B 00:28:34.400 - 00:28:38.160 I'm not excited to talk about my stuff. I've been liking talking about your stuff. Speaker A 00:28:38.160 - 00:28:40.000 Lately, but no, it's your turn. Speaker B 00:28:40.320 - 00:28:40.800 Yeah. Speaker A 00:28:41.040 - 00:28:43.600 Mine on the table. My mess is before you. Speaker B 00:28:43.990 - 00:28:44.790 I love it that way. Speaker A 00:28:44.790 - 00:28:46.870 Spread and gross. Speaker B 00:28:47.270 - 00:28:55.590 Okay, I made it weird. All right, I made it weird. All right, we'll catch you guys on the next episode. Thank you. See you later. Speaker A 00:28:56.630 - 00:28:56.950 Bye. Speaker B 00:28:56.950 - 00:28:57.270 Bye. Speaker A 00:28:58.950 - 00:29:10.000 No, I still can't do it. Thanks for letting us tickle your ear hole and not turning us off after the first 30 seconds. Don't forget to subscribe and join our email list to get in on on the action.
